Surgery update

Just a quick post to share my latest news. I had the quickest and least painful surgery yesterday afternoon. They replaced my expander implants with my official permanent implants and cleaned things up a bit, took out extra skin and evened everything up. I am very happy with the results. It took about 2 hours and I am feeling great. I don't need to layer pain meds and didn't need any drains!
Hope everyone had a happy Christmas!

Expanders implants are almost done!

Expander implants were inserted during my last surgery and the doctor has been injecting saline into them about once a week. The muscles are stretched out to make room for my permanent implants. It is a sore and very long process. One that I am happy to say will be over soon! I will have the expanders switched out on Dec 29th. One last surgery before the end of the year to take advantage of meeting my out of pocket deductible! My New Year's Eve will be spent recovering from surgery but it's totally worth it!
In other news.... my hair is growing crazier and curlier every day! I would love to chemically straighten it and get extensions, but that seems soooo high maintenance :) I even thought about shaving it again, but last winter was so cold with no hair. So I will wait it out and enjoy a new look for a while. It's really not that bad, kind of cute on some days. People seem to like it too, which leads me to the next issue with the hair. What I do not enjoy is the constant need for other people to just walk up and run their hands through my hair. Not only is it rude to just go straight up to people and rub them, but it frizzes out my hair, it is terrible and I am very over it. Once attacked I have to go the rest of the day with a half fro where all of the gel was broken up and then flakes, gross!!! So if you see me and have an overwhelming desire to feel my hair, just ask, I understand I am hard to resist! he he he! I will let you feel the back, where it won't turn into the biggest fro I have ever seen! And in return, I promise not to punch you in the nose, I think its a fair trade.

Reconstruction Recovery

Wow! this surgery has really knocked me down. It was a long time before I could go without pain meds. I still sleep a lot but don't need the pain meds. Getting up and around is still a little slow and some days are really good while others aren't. I saw a big difference this week in my range of motion and a significant decrease in pain. Every Monday I go to the Dr saline injections for my expanding implants. I'm not sure how big I will go, everybody asks, so funny! It really depends on how much my body can take but I doubt I will be the same size I was before.
I go back to work on Thursday and hope I have the energy, I go back during the busiest week of the year, but I am not on any of the committees so I will just go with the flow and try to get some work done!

One year mark, back to work, and reconstruction! So exciting!

Tomorrow will be one year since I was diagnosed. It's more than a little bittersweet. I don't want to celebrate or even bring attention to this date, but it was such a huge event and unfortunately my life still has traces of the experience. Everyday I move further and further away from the life as a cancer patient and feel stronger everyday. My hair is getting longer and is super curly! I have been back to work for three weeks and finally don't feel like a foreigner. It took about two weeks to feel like I belonged there. Everything looked familiar and I knew everyone, but nothing was the same. I have been there for so long that it was really weird to come in and not know everything that's going on. But now I am really caught up! I was able to fully participate in management meetings, submit variance reports, and review the 2010 budgets. I know I am a cheese ball, but it feels great! And while completing these tasks I can piece together what has happened since I was gone. It is clear that people pulled together to fill in the gaps and it makes me feel good to see that I wasn't forgotten or looked over as the company continued to grow and move forward. Tomorrow is our annual staff retreat and I am looking forward to spending time with everyone.

As my new life falls into place I no longer find myself wishing for my old life back. I will start the reconstruction surgeries next week on Oct. 30th. The first surgery will be the longest, 5-6 hours. I will have the lat flap surgery on the left side with a skin sparing mastectomy on the right side. They will insert expander implants that will be filled with saline over time to stretch tissue making room for my permanent implants. After that I will have a few more surgeries to tidy everything up, then I will be done! So excited!!

And, I still have the lingering effects of chemo brain! I just walked into the garage and was surprised to find that I had already moved clothes from the washer to the drier. I was genuinely surprised! My mom says this year I can hide my own Easter eggs! Most days aren't this bad, but at the end of the week, it's pretty sad!

Back to work!

I go back to work on Monday and I can not wait!!! My life is returning to normal more and more everyday. I have been cleared to go to the gym and have worked out a few times. I did a heart stress test the other day and it wasn't great, so I have to work at building it back up. They will do another heart stress test in a few months to see how much progress I have made.
Also, today is exactly one year from my first doctors appointment. I wasn't scared at all, too young for cancer and had a million lumps before, I only went to rule it out, ya know just in case. I had found the lump 3 months earlier and it wasn't going away, if anything it was getting bigger and a little more painful. Needless to say, I failed the doctors self exam and she rushed a mammogram and ultra sound. The mammogram was clean, the ultra sound wasn't. Now a year later and a whole lot of life lived and learned, I am ready to pick up where I left off. Back to work, the gym, school, and maybe even the dating world! How exciting, I can not wait to see what happens!!!!

Plastic Surgeon Consultation #1

I met with a surgeon in Fresno today and absolutely loved her! She answered all of my questions, explained everything to me and met all of my expectations! The best news was that I won't have to wait 6 months! Yippee!!!!! I asked her what she was doing tomorrow? I am still reeling from all of the info and have a lot to look up and insurance to deal with. My out of pocket increased Oct 1. I think that is crazy! And I am not convinced that it is correct! So I have that process started, but what a pain.... Anyway, I go to Stanford in October for another consultation, but if I had to decide today, I would pick today's doctor!

Remission, one month follow up and reconstruction, oh my!

Yep folks I am in remission! I love it! No more cancer treatments for me! I get more and more energy back everyday and I am loving it! I get to start working out again next week after a heart stress test. I had some blood tests today that cam back very good!

My one month radiation follow up appointment was today and I get to stop being over gentle with my skin! Bring on the chlorine, perfumey soaps & lotions, shower brushes, and whatever else I want!

Reconstruction still needs to happen, the soonest I can have surgery is 6 months from my end date (august 27th) so I am guessing February. I am going to start interviewing plastic surgeons on Monday and am so excited to see what type of reconstruction would be best for me. I have an appointment at Stanford as well. Currently I am leaning towards Stanford because reconstruction is the only thing this doctor does. The other Dr. does a little of everything. However the other doctor is closer and reconstruction usually includes numerous trips to the doctor, some appointments lasting less than 20 min. Driving all day to Stanford for a 20 min face to face with a doc sounds frustrating to say the least. So my official view on the location of the doctor is that my old breasts lasted 33 years, the next set will get about the same, hopefully more with a little maintenance. So a bunch of trips in the car, all day, is worth having the best set I can get.

Oh and watch for a magazine called Tulare County Magazine coming out mid October published by Visalia Times Delta. They sent a photographer and a writer to talk about Beauty and Cancer. Wigs, prosthetics, etc.... should be fun and I should be in it.

Just a quick update...... healing up and moving on!

My skin is looking great! It is still a little sore sometimes, but is sooooo much better already! I am super excited about being done with all the treatments and getting on with my life. I am very excited about reconstruction and am booking consultations with doctors! I can't wait!! I am so excited!!!

Relay for life was this past weekend! It was so nice to be there and to be done with treatment, to celebrate my life, and winning the cancer fight!!!! There were so many survivors walking around in there purple shirts looking great!

Thank you everyone that read this and continues to send prayers and support! I could not have done this without all of you!!!!

done with treatment!

I had my last radiation treatment on Thursday and I am so excited to be done! My skin could get worse for the next 2 weeks, and right the past few days have been worse, but any day it should turn around and start getting better. My neck hasn't had treatment for 2 weeks and has started to heal up. It looks better than I ever thought it would! The worst part was wearing stickers for 6 weeks and my allergic reaction to them. So, now I rest for about a month and go back to work in the beginning of Oct. I will have some more surgeries in about 6 months and can not wait to be really really done with it all!

Over the radiation hump!

I have completed 19 radiation treatments and have 14 more to go! I am burnt, itchy, tired, and moody. Sometimes I am so cranky I could do vicious harm to people, and other times I am laughing and joking like my regular self. So, you have been warned, I do not know when and where these moods will change, but I do try to just leave and not inflict my crazy moods on the people around me. I am excited that the end is getting closer, not cartwheel excited. The worst is yet to come so I am bracing myself and hoping for the best.
Ok,my hair is growing back nice and thick, and maybe even less gray, please do not let me be jinxed for saying that! I put a little product in it and it looks messy and kind of cute. I am happy with it, however it seems to be so bittersweet to me because of, in my opinion, the ridiculous behavior it brings out. People ask me if I love it, tell me about dreams they had of me with my long hair flowing in the wind, and some attack me rubbing roughly while drawling an annoying hooooowwwwww cuuuuuuute or oh my gosh, no one else could pull that off! really people? I think you mean well, I am sure you do, ok, I really hope you do. But these comments are killing me! Maybe that's why I want to do harm.... I am not sure what I would do to my friends if I was on the other side. However, I think it is like a pregnant belly, ask before you touch and NEVER, EVER, and I mean EVER mention how tiny they were just a few months ago. So applying the same philosophy would be ask if you want to rub or lick (yeah that was a fun one), and do not ever ever ever bring up my long beautiful hair that you never realized had so much gray. If you apply this logic when approaching me I promise not to punch you in the nose, kind of like a twisted game of tit for tat. When people say they want to touch it, I almost always let them, I even point out the softest spots, really it has never been softer, but it is new baby hair, you would never rub a babies head that hard! It is delicate and please do make even one strand fall out!
The other thing on my mind, if you are still reading after my hair rules tirade, is the under 40 cancer survivor. There are so many issues related to this age group. I am learning new things ever day! Did you know that our survival statistics have not improved since 1970?!?!?! OMG!!! We are the least represented in studies, are more likely to be diagnosed at stage III and IV, have an average annual income of $35,00, are the least insured group, and so many other terrible things! I love reading and learning more, but I am afraid to keep reading. Who knows what I will find!
If you are reading this as a note on facebook, please take a look at my blog page, I have links to other sites with cool info and pretty charts and graphs.... we are still a tin foil society right? http://janicebardone.blogspot.com/

Life after treatment

I will be officially done with treatment in one month! Yeah!! I am excited and very scared, not nervous, but truly petrified about what that life will be like. I know there was nothing I did to deserve or get cancer, but how can I avoid getting it again, with my age the stats are not good, so what can I do to make them better. If you look at international statistics, the good ol US of A has one of the highest cancer rates. I guess other states joke about California saying that if it isn't illegal, it will cause cancer. I have been doing a lot of reading on young adults with cancer. One of the topics I have seen more than once is our environment. A nonprofit lawyer, my dream occupation, talked about the fire retardants in almost every product we make now. Makes sense, I don't want to catch on fire, but in our attempt to de flame ourselves we might be causing more problems. While one chemical that they use might have been tested for harmful effects on our systems the numerous other chemicals and their combinations have not been. Ok, I am not going to go nuts and stop shopping at the gap where I am sure the jeans are full of dyes, fire retardants, and other chemicals to do just about everything from making my butt look better and my stomach flatter. But I do want to live the best life possible to avoid any unnecessary exposure. In this quest I found an excellent website that rates the potentially harmful effects from make up! Yes make up! One of my fav things in the world! I wear it almost everyday and love it! http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/index.php Check it out, look for what you currently use, and it is not just make up, shampoo, deodorant, baby products, everything is on there. Like I said I am not going to go nuts with this, but if I can use products and brands that are a little better for me, then why not?

books and rambling thoughts

There are a lot of books about cancer, some that are very medically informative others that focus on the emotional and social journey while others promise cure for changing your diet. When I was being diagnosed I read the medically informative written by doctor books. I bought 3 or 4, kept them in my bed where I was spending a lot of time recovering from the shock of my recently disrupted life. There was one book that I saw in a lot of blogs, at the book store there were a ton of copies and it was one of three books at Power of Pink on display. Crazy Sexy Cancer by Kris Carr with a forward by Sheryl Crow. I wasn't ready to read it until now. I would see it, flip through it, want to read it and put it down. I have done this at least 10 different times. Last night I suddenly needed this book like I need air to breath. I went to borders and bought it! Got it home to find the front cover and most of the forward slashed by a box cutter. I was so sad. I exchanged it this morning and am loving it! The author was diagnosed with a very rare cancer in her lungs and liver at 31 years old. Ugh, phone call, lost all of my thoughts......... sorry, I'll finish later when they come back to me.
Ok, I am back, a long break for me , I am guessing not so much for you. Anyway, I share a lot of similarities on the way the author has written this book. I feel less crazy and more understood than I have in a while. I bought another book that focuses on younger adults having cancer, the 20 and 30 year olds anyway. I am constantly reminded that I am not the normal demographic for this disease that already does a fine job of making me feel freakish. Both books talk about dating while going through treatment, finally! Most books focus on menopause, gray hair and other 60 + issues. It talks about the lingering teenage syndrome of being invincible when suddenly your own mortality is threatened. I don't think there is any great age for cancer, even in our 80's it sucks, but at 34 I am only a third into life. I am barely finishing school and deciding what I want to be when I grow up. I guess I am saying that I am happy for this new desire to read and connect with people close to my age. I prefer of course to do that in person, but so far not a lot of luck. So for now, I will enjoy the books and the online resources that I am finding.

One of my thoughts recently that is also in both books is the stop whining and take care of this. It is so frustrating to me to see people give up when they don't get the news they want. Or when they give up because it isn't their fault. I want to scream!!! My cancer isn't my fault either!!! But no one and I mean NO BODY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD can help me if I don't help myself. I have to want treatment, is it fun? of course not, do I enjoy sporting the official 9 year old boy summer buzz? F*CK NO, how about having one boob? nope not a joy either! And paying for it? Trust me, if I had the option I would totally chose make-up and clothes over medical bills. However, if I didn't do it, I would die. There is no question of that, and in fact I might die anyway, I might not win this fight, I might get hit by a bus too. People tell me how brave I am, but really I am not running towards treatment, I am running as fast as I can away from cancer. I appreciate the positive meanings in all of the comments that I get and i think I might have mentioned this in an earlier blog. People don't know what to say, they just say whatever they think someone in my situations wants to hear. There is some of that in the book too, Like when people share stories that are tragic in hope of bonding when all it really did was piss me off or scare the shit out of me. Or when people do the "at least" thing that totally devalues the way I have lived my life, like at least you don't have kids or at least you aren't married. Ok? because by not having kids or a husband makes me expendable? I understand that if I had kids my life during treatment would be more difficult and of course kids would be scared and affected by a mom going through treatment, but maybe we can say that in a different way. I like that this book jokes about these awkward situations and makes me laugh. When I joke about it to my friends sometimes they look at me like is it really ok to joke about it? Where is the line for comedy and cancer? I am not sure, but I would know it if it was crossed.
ok, enough rambling thoughts for tonight, I have so many lately. Weird ones, funny ones and really really off the wall ones too. he he he

Radiation- 7 days in

I just wanted to update everyone on how radiation is going. I finished day 7 this morning and have been doing well. So far my biggest side effect is an allergic reaction to the stickers they have on my body. I had tape and stickies on me for about 8 weeks straight during my surgeries, so this little 6 week stint wont be that bad. I have a little redness and irritation but it isn't terrible, it feels like a light sunburn, just annoying not painful. The doctor said I could use Tom's all natural deodorant, not great but trust me better than nothing! My friends were really happy to hear that! I'm a little more tired than regular, but I take a nap and go to bed a little earlier, really easy to deal with that :) that could be from the heat too! The best part is that I have lost 6 lbs from just not being on steroids anymore! Love that idea!!!
They monitor me pretty well too, once a week I get my vitals taken, weight, temp, blood pressure and oxygen something. My blood pressure has been great! the lowest it has been since I was diagnosed, maybe I have just relaxed about it all, it was never high, in fact I never even got out of the low zone, but it is usually pretty low. Ok ramble... One a week I see the doctor and once a week they take films to evaluate where the radiation is actually being sent and comparing that against the original plan. If I loose weight or anything that changes the plan so they have to monitor to make sure the plan is actually being carried out.
Ok, a little boring for a blog, but I have a few good ones I want to share and will try to get to them this afternoon.
Have a good one! Love Janice

Long time no blog

So much has happened since my last blog. I have a lot to report and am not sure where to start, my head is swimming with all of my mental notes for blog topics.
I guess I will start with what has been on my mind and in my heart the most. My Grandpa passed away July 6th from cancer. I am so sad that he is gone and miss him a lot. I would visit him in the hospital every few days and every once in a while I have mini panics that I haven't been to see him and I remember that he isn't there. I know that he is much more comfortable now and is no longer suffering. He wasn't happy that I had cancer at the same time he did, but it was something that we were both going through at the same time. We could share stories and know what the other was talking about exactly. Radiation was his first treatment and he would show me his scan card and tell me all about it. He couldn't wait for me to start. I even showed him my scan card when i finally got it. Ironically I was supposed to start radiation on the day of his memorial service. Instead I started the next day so I could attend his service and have dinner with my family and not worry about what time it was and needing to leave for an appointment. The service was really nice and I think represented him very well. My grandpa is doing really well, the rest of the family too. We were lucky to all have time to say goodbye and begin to brace ourselves for it, if that's possible.

As I mentioned above the day after his service I started radiation. A few bumps in the road before the start day. One of the techs was really terrible and I ended up calling to make sure the entire six week treatment would be spent like that. I have seen her 3 days in a row since and I think she was really just having an off day. She is actually really nice now. I hate calling and complaining, but this is important to me and I refuse to pushed around. It really was a bad appointment, almost everything went wrong and by the end of it I had purple marker up my jaw and an appointment schedule that would never work. Ok, sorry, I am not dwelling on it, sorry, I have moved on, all things were fixed and I have been having great appointment s since then.

Ok so radiation. So far has been pain free. I got my tattoos on Wednesday, my second day after my plan and levels were approved by the doctor. The tattoos were something I had been very curious about. They use a syringe and inject a small amount of ink. They are tiny small, smaller than a freckle but once you know what they are, you can see them easily. I think I have 5. Just little black dots and really they look like really bad blackheads! Crazy! The radiation room is really cool, no wonder grandpa was so excited for me to start. I can really see why he loved it! You lay on a table, kind of like a a CT scan, but the machine mostly moves around you. The lights go low and lasers come out, red and green! The green ones are grids and are all over the room the ceiling the walls, everywhere! THe red ones come out of the machine and I only see them on one of my last doses when the radiation is shot from behind. As the machine moves and realigns for that dose it crosses my right eye. The first few days I was surprised when it went right in my eye, but now I know when it is coming and close my eye, doesn't take me long! So 3 down and 30 to go, I go Monday through Friday and each appointment has taken about 30 min. I have my vitals taken every other week. My blood pressure was really good today.

I hate the stupid no deodorant deal though! I can use Tom's All Natural, but it isn't good at its job and have been very aware of my hygiene!

Ok, I think that is all I had floating around in my head right now. I will post again if I remember something :)

Stanford Details

I went to Stanford on June 25th to get a second opinion about radiation. My doc here thought I might not need it. My treatment plan has been less than traditional and that has made it a little harder to make decisions on the next course of action. So, Stanford doc recommends radiation. There were many factors to consider. I had a chemo treatment before I had surgery. My lymph nodes were clear at the time of surgery but the chemo might have done that, there were some indicators saying that my lymph nodes may have actually had some cancerous activity. But it is impossible to tell now. Another things to consider are my age, that was a really big one when considering the occurrence statistics. My cancer was also poorly differentiated. Meaning my cancer cells were highly mutated when compared to my other cells. That's not good. However my HER2 was negative, that's good. So, after weighing all of the factors, radiation it is. I was prepared to take whatever opinion the Stanford doc gave. She only does radiation for breast cancer, I researched her and think she is one of the best in the world! This is what she has devoted her life to do! I loved how much information she gave me, how willing she was to answer any questions, the time she devoted to my case, and she talked with Heidi and my Dad too! Her resident was thorough and she took time to really feel for my lymph nodes. She gave me more information that anyone else has and I think I have gotten a lot of good information. I loved it! I feel good knowing that I am making a really good decision for me and my situation. People are asking why I even went for a second opinion and not just do radiation. It's really not that simple though. Clearly radiation can be dangerous in some situations and over treating cancer can be just as dangerous as under treating it. The decisions my team and I are making are a little different than many breast cancer cases because of my age. 40 and under is rare and a lot of studies don't include my age group at all. There are a lot of studies on survivors 10 years out, but not 40, and I would really like to make it at least that long.

Stanford Update

Ok, I have my appointment for Stanford and I got to talk to a resident and understand what is happening a lot more now. I feel really good about it. The doctors want a second opinion. So basically with my situation, chemo and a mastectomy with clear lymph-nodes, they would not do radiation. But because I had numerous pockets of different cancers throughout the breast, radiation should be considered. There are side effects from radiation that make this decision some thing to take seriously. I am very happy that my doctors are comfortable saying they do not have all the answers and I am happy they are sending me to such an excellent doctor for my second opinion.

oh how things can change

My radiation oncologist just called. He wants a second opinion and is sending me to Stanford. I appreciate his honesty and admitting he does not have all the answers. I think that is a really good quality in a doctor. His concern is that I might not need radiation. If I do not need it, I do not want it, however, I think I need it. My opinion is formed mostly from my fears though and I want to be more aggressive than not. He thinks I am borderline, so I say lets go! The side effects of radiation might not be worth it and that is when the medical second opinion comes in. Radiation can only be given once per area, ever. So, if I don't need it now, and get it I have wasted my only shot at radiation. However, if I don;t get radiation and have a recurrence, then I will always think that I should have had it. Also, this pushes back my return to work! Again! So I think I might just go back now. Maybe work 4 days a week, and have one day of disability a week. 3 days of work in a week is not worth it financially although might be perfect for me physically and emotionally. hmmmm.... so many decisions..... I am sure I will come up with something soon, I'll keep you posted.
And, Stanford scares me, I think it makes it more real and more serious, when up till now, I have just been cruising along, excluding the 3 surgeries to get it all.

Radiation Consultation

Hi all, I haven't been writing much because not much has been happening in the cancer world, until today. I went for my Radiation consultation and it took soooooo long! I was there for almost 2 hours!!! And when I got there, about 10 min before my appointment, they said oh we have been waiting for you.... hmmmmm.... I think that is a little weird. The guy comes and gets me and goes over all the things in my chart, makes a few updates and tells me doc will be right in. It seems like forever, 45 min or so, and he comes back to say doc is in Hanford! Geeze! Ok, I can only wait another 45 min, I had another appointment and I really need to be on time for that. SO we get as much done as we can with no doc, which was really quit a bit considering! :) My next appointment goes great and I was able to make it on time! Very happy about that!
SO radiation will start on Monday! I will have another appointment this week to go threw the steps once, line the machine up, make a few tattoos on my body, ya know the good stuff. I will give updates when I know more, I will go everyday once I start and I will not be radioactive!!!!

No More Chemo

I had the best day yesterday! First of all, it was the first day of being officially off of chemo. Heidi and I enjoyed some light rafting (in a pool), Heidi got rockstar put on her toes, while I got a wig trim! Sooooo fun! I didn't think I would be sitting in a salon chair for a long long time!!!! Lunch was my fav chicken sandwich right now, yummy, then home for a nap. I was exhausted!!! After the nap I decorated cup cakes, fun! Got ready and before I knew it, the party was in full swing! So Everytime to door opens I look over to see who is coming in, I see a group of people walk in and in the back of the group was my step-sister! I about fell over! I said hi to the group as fast as possible so i could get to Kari. We haven't seen each other in about 18 years! Yes years!!! Our parents were married for almost 10 years, from the time I was 6 - 16, so I really grew up with her! I cried and just couldn't even believe she was standing in my house!!!! I loved it! my little sister set it all up and surprised me so much! I usually figure out surprises, but this one really really surprised!!! I loved it, we had the best time, Kari and her husband Ron were so much fun! We are going to stay in touch now and hopefully get together soon!
In other party news, I was really happy with how many people came by to hang out and say hi! I had the best time! Friends I haven't seen since high school came, co workers came, old roommates, college friends, parents of friends, my parents, so many people! People came and went until midnight! I absolutely loved the entire night!!!! It was the best party I have been to in so long!!!! I am still smiling thinking about all the fun! Thank you everyone was able to come! And those of you that weren't able to come and want to still get together we will soon! Love you all!!!

countdown to the end of chemo

I have just a few more days of chemo left in me and plan to celebrate the second I am off of it! So come to my house on Tuesday May 26th at 7:00 pm and enjoy some chemolicious cake and cocktails! E-mail me and let me know you are stopping by so I make sure there is enough cake!

last few days of chemo

In just a little over a week I will be done with all of this! I can't wait! I have nothing else nice to say right now, so I will leave this post short. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but can't loose focus on breathing, not puking, and staying comfortable long enough to appreciate it right now. But in a few days I will and I am really looking forward to it! I know people are excited for me and keep counting down the days, I really appreciate it, but I have to keep my thoughts where they are right now. We can all celebrate at the No More Chemo Party, May 26th, 7:00 pm, let me know if you are coming, everyone is invited!

Last of the worst

This is usually the peak of the pain and misery for chemo and I am happy that it will be the last one! Tomorrow is usually pretty bad too and then it gradually gets better everyday. But this one has been different, usually I can't stand the taste of water for a few days, this time I was craving water. I am more emotional this time too, maybe that is because I am so close to being done, I'm not sure. I think I am just rambling but I thought I had some cool things to say, he he he, chemo brain! SO, I think I will wrap this up and write more later if I remember! But until then, her is a picture of me and the bowling team! We had sooooo much fun!

Big Day!!

Today Heidi and I went to the park and checked out the big trees. It has been so long since I had gone it was fun to spend the day hiking around and enjoying the fresh air. And tonight was the first night for the breast cancer bowling league. It was so much fun! My voice is gone from laughing and yelling! We have a pretty good team! I love the handicap too! When we stared the lady that works there came over and suggested we come tomorrow for some lessons!!! SO funny!!! I guess we aren't that good, but we weren't terrible! I mean I don't think we were, I have no idea what people usually get when they bowl! We all had handicaps, and we needed them, but we got some strikes too! Keri almost got a turkey! My turkey gobble noises were really helpful I am sure! :D
Ok, so I am going to bed now, going to get some good sleep before the LAST CHEMO EVER!!!!

Last Chemo in 3 Days!!!

I am going out of my mind with excitement!!!! Only 17 more days of being on Chemo, I am technically still on it for 14 days after my injection. Wow! No more poison for me! Unless you count the radiation I will be voluntarily subjecting myself to everyday for about 7 weeks, but that's not that bad, I mean they only make weapons of mass destruction out of this stuff right? :D Dr. said my ribs will be brittle, yada yada yada..... Ok back to no more chemo! The Official No More Chemo Party will be...... Tuesday, May 26th at 7:00 PM! Anyone that hates chemo is welcome to attend! All you chemo lovers can stay home! So come by for some cake and cocktails, my favorite things in life! Call, text, e-mail, facebook, myspace, but please don't comment here (it gives me no info on you), anyway, do whatever you do and get in touch with me to let me know you want to come.

Calling All Babysitters!

I'm coming up on my last chemo and am booking my babysitters for Wednesday May 13 through Sunday May 17. If you are interested e-mail and let me the days that work best for you. There's no pay, but so far people have seemed to enjoy watching me drool and laughing with me.

the BEST babysitters in the world!!!

I have had the best week ever! The best babysitters have been here all week taking care of me and visiting with me. I am so grateful for all of them. Most of them even brought ice cream, love that!!! I did have a much better week with pain and I think it was a combination of supplements, yoga, and the visitors. My joint pain is still there, and breaks through a lot, but I have taken less morphine this time than last time. The meds have started hurting my stomach so, I am really glad that I am able to take less!
Thanks again to all of my babysitters! You guys have really made this session of chemo so much more bearable!!!! I am soooooo grateful!!!!

Only one more chemo!!!!!

I got chemo today and only have one more!!!! I am soooo excited!!!! This month will be a little rough, but it will end soon and then I can move on!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!! So, of course I am planning my no more chemo party!!!!! I'll let you know the details, when I have a better idea of what is going to happen, right now I just know that there will be a no more chemo party!!!!!!! With cake!!! Probably two weeks after I get my last one, when I am officially off of chemo.
Have a great day!!!!!

babysitee

We, my family and I, have decided it is best for me to not be alone when I am taking the BIG drugs, morphine. So, the days following chemo, I will have people come and "hang out" with me, or just come watch me drool. The big drugs are a little scary and I am really out of it those days. So, I might call you and ask if you are able to come by, if you want to, of course e-mail me, right now I am booking next week, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. The time is flexible. AS long as I am not home all night alone.
I met with a pharmacist yesterday and he went over all of my drugs for me. I am so thankful for all of these people that are helping me through this! He really broke it down for me and explained them. I need the pain meds, but only for a few days every time. Addiction is something I would really like to avoid. So, I got some tips to avoid that! He also gave me a really cool sorter that has the days of the week and I can even take them with me. It was easy to take my meds today and I didn't have to remember the ones I had already taken. I love it!!!!
My side effects today are more numbing and tingly and a lot less pain. The bottoms of my feet are almost numb and so are my finger tips, so weird!

Spaghetti and a bic

I bic-ed my head today. I was loosing a ton of hair everyday and it was pretty annoying, so I shaved it. I feel much better, and really I prefer the look too. It took all the energy I had to shave my head, normally that would have been ok, but today was the spaghetti feed and my entire family goes and chows on meatballs and spaghetti. I love it! I even had a glass of wine ;) It was nice to see my family and hang out with them for a little bit. They make me laugh! But I was so tired from shaving my head that I could barley stay awake after eating. So.... I went home and took a great nap.
My mom came and hung out with me yesterday afternoon. With these bigger drugs, I don't think I should be alone so much, so I am going to have my family come and hang out when they can. My moms visit was so nice, we talked about a ton of stuff and even cleared up a few misunderstandings. I thought she and some other family members where pulling away, tends to happen with illnesses like this, and had been so sad about it. I need my family and friends so much right now and when they pull away, it hurts. So, the visit with my mom was sooooooo great!
Ok, off to eat some ice cream yummy!

more morphine please!

Finally I have some relief! Occasional breakthrough pain will still stab at my hips, knees, back and ankles, but it is nothing compared to the torturous pain I was in. Heidi is the best person in the world!!!!! She ran all over town to get it for me and I am sooooo grateful for her! My dad is here sitting with me now, he is sudoku crazy right now! :)
I'm off to la la land....

ouch!

The doc gave me new pain pills the other day, but I was still having a lot of pain. So, I called today for something else. There is no way I can go all weekend like this, and he gave me a form of morphine!!!! I looked it up and wow! There are street names for it, dust, footballs, and some other names. I can feel a little head change but I can also still feel the pain. It should be gone any minute and I can not wait!!!!! I'll let you know how it goes!
I hope I feel better this weekend. The spaghetti feed is Sunday and the whole family goes, this year I might have to skip the wine, :( I'm not sure my family will know how to react to that. It could be a big upset! Who will talk the servers into bringing more wine? We always get snapped at, this is all you can eat spaghetti, not all you can drink wine! But we still manage to score at least a few more carafes of wine :D I love my family, maybe the morphine is working he he he!

Taxol # 2 is in

I got my chemo yesterday and my white blood cell booster today. The doc gave new pain pills, I hope they work!! It will kick in tonight, so I will let you know! Also, a friend that is about 6 mo to a year ahead of me the breast cancer game, sent me an outstanding taxol care package! She had a lot of the same side effects that I had and went to a holistic doctor. I checked with my doctor and got the green light for all of it. So I have tried them and so far I think they are helping. My appetite is already better and my stomach doesn't hurt like before. It is mostly vitamins and protein shake stuff, my its good! yummy chips too :) Popped Chips from trader joe's soooooo good!!!! OMG I have to go to Joes and get more yummy!!! Last night I even got 6 hours of sleep, last time, I got maybe 2. My nurse gave me less benadryl with my chemo and told me I could take some before I went to bed if I was worried I wouldn't sleep, it got the job done, but I didn't remember until 3, but slept from 3:45 AM - 9:30 AM, I am very happy with the way I am feeling and am prepared for the upcoming pains! I wish the weather was a little warmer though, all the stormy weather and rain doesn't help me out right now.

New Knockers!

I went to Fresno today and got my new fakey!! I love it, it looks so real!!! And I got three new bras that have pockets for it! I love it, I love it, I love it!!!! I am pretty tired from such a big day, but had such a good time! We went everywhere, sephora, power of pink, sephora, gap, cheesecake factory, whole foods, coach and j crew! All of my favorites in one day! (And yes, I know sephora is on there twice, but we went twice, once to spray the perfume on, then later after the perfume decisions were made- but I didn't buy perfume- chemo makes me smell funny- my nose is off and my own body smell is different.) I did buy other things though, not too much, too many med bills right now :( but there were some things I needed, and of course a ton of things I wanted. The boob and bras were almost $600!!!! Holy crap! Thank God for insurance! But I needed them, and feel soooooo much better now that I am wearing a real bra!!!!! I have been wearing a sports bra since February and I think I have mentioned my hatred of them few times, so I will only say, I LOVE MY NEW BRAS!!!! I got the best new boob too! I can swim and work out in it and it has this gel that is "cooling" for the summer. I am so happy that all of my research and talking to other people paid off!
In other news.... I have lost 10 lbs in a week, not so great. I am not too worried about it, but if you think about the upcoming weeks and do the math, that's like 80 lbs!! Sorry, but I do not have that much to loose!!!! OMG! So I will talk to the doc tomorrow and find out what he says, I haven't been hungry very much, when I am I get full so quick and things sometimes upset my tummy :( but I have not tossed anything nor have I been the least bit nauseous. I am very happy for that.
Ok, I am off to do some more shopping.... for some house stuff, relax.... I have chemo tomorrow, so there might be some late nights posts, I can't sleep the night after. Have a great night!

my hair

my hair is starting to hurt, I hope I won't lose it, but probably will... oh well, at least we know it grows back! :) I am going to Fresno on Monday and am really excited, I am finally cleared to wear a bra again!!!! Yeah me! I have been wearing sports bras since Feb and they really really really suck! Just in case you were wondering....
Easter is tomorrow and we are having the families over here to hunt eggs and eat breakfast. I made it really easy on myself, the only thing I need to cook are some scrambled eggs, should be easy peasy. The nieces will hunt for eggs and then we'll eat. Heidi has to work at 10:00 so we are doing an early one. I am super excited about the candy!!! We got a ton!!!! Like its Halloween or something! I might die Kona's tail again too, purple this time, it should fade to a nice pink! Ok, I
'm off, have a great weekend and I'll post some pics of Kona if I die her tail :)
Oh, I almost forgot, we picked a bowling team name, the second base savers! i love it! We are picking shirts right now, but I voted for this one... :D you know it is important to wear dark clothes blowing, light shirts get so dirty.

Daily pics

So, Did I tell you? maybe I did, I forget, chemo brain, not really.... But i decided to take a picture everyday. They say I will loose my hair again, but I'm holding on to it, he he he. Anyway, once everything is all said and done, I will make the pics into a movie, like a really fast slide show and you will be able to see my hair fall out and grow back in. I'm pretty excited about seeing it once it is done. I have been taking pics for about a month right now and want to put them together. I looked through them today and laughed pretty hard. There are a few days I looked really pathetic! A few days after chemo when i was all butt hurt about everything in the world, jeez those were bad ones. Hopefully when I make the movie I wont need all of the pics and can not put those in there. :) Ok, goodnight, And... if you're wondering what I am doing up soooo late, I tried to go to bed, but couldn't sleep, so I thought I would blog a little.

Women's Cancer Support Group

Tonight was the first night I went to the Women's Cancer Support Group. I loved it! There were about 8 of us and mostly breast cancer, all at different stages- some 10 yr survivors some just diagnosed, some like me in the middle of treatment. It was really nice to be in a room full of people that understand exactly what I am going through. This last week or so has been sooooo hard and I have felt like I am so different than everybody and nobody understands what I am going through. The meeting tonight gave me strength and I feel so energized again. I can't wait until next month, there are some people from MAC cosmetics coming to have a make up party!!!! Wow! Did I start going at the right time or what?!?!?! Yeah!!!!

one week down, seven more to go

I am one week into treatment. The side effects are finally fading away, but are still very much here. And so much has been happening! I am ready for Easter, the girls are coming over to hunt for eggs! Also, my sister is getting married this summer and this was the week to order my brides maid dress for my sisters wedding, but I decided not to be in it. I just cant handle all of it right now and do not want to be any more of a spectacle than I already am. And I really really do not want to wear a floor length dress, a wig, a bra from hell in the summer during radiation treatment, which will leave a sun burn on me. So, I will throw her a shower and bachelorette party, and just go to the wedding. Even though it was my decision to not be in the wedding I am still really sad about it. I have even cried about it more than once. I know I am over emotional right now, but this seems to be the only thing I have been actually crying about. I want to be a part of the wedding, but nothing seems to be working out no matter how hard I try. So, I need to get over it. It did save me $200 this month, which I really need for medical bills so I am way happy about that :) Other than that, there is a ton of stuff happening at the Y that I really want to be a part of, but can't, stupid rules about disability blah blah blah. Everybody gets to organize stuff but me right now! I never realized how much I just need to do plan events and activities. I want to take over and plan everything and it is almost impossible for me not to. One because there is nothing left unplanned, and two because I cant really commit to planning anything that is further away than tomorrow. I hate not doing everything, not being in the middle of all the activity, with a million tiny details to attend to and lists and lists to write, rewrite, and finally actually do, or delegate, he he he. I did get to plan Easter, but that is for 13 people and took two min. I will also get to plan a few of sisters wedding parties, but that isn't nearly enough to do. I am officially bored! I will be going to a women's cancer support group this Thursday and am very excited to hear about their trials and tribulations. I wonder if they have gone through the same roller coaster and what they did about it. And really, I know I am complaining and whiny about everything right now, but I could not imagine being a mom of 3 kids or something right now. That would be impossibly hard. SO before I think of anything else to complain about, I am going to go and relax a little. Hugs! Janice

Taxol Day 5

Chemo sucks! I am really over it. I know that my attitude sucks and right now I could care less. All day Thursday was so painful I could barely talk. None of my pain meds did anything and I was miserable. There was no comfortable position, nothing I could do, eat, say, or take that would make it better. I just laid around and tried to get past it. My chemo nurse said it would only last a day or two so I knew it was going to end, but I can really relate to people that have chronic pain, I would never be able to do it. Last night we sat in a hot tub and that was soooooo great! No pain! Now it is just a irritating but not painful. Advil takes the edge off and I can sleep!!! :) You know it is the simple things in life that are exciting these days, like sleeping! Ok, I am done complaining, I am going to go lay down and relax a little, maybe watch a movie :)

First dose in

This chemo is much different than my last one. This one is taxol, I read up on it and expected it to be a little like the other and have some of the same side effects. It went in fine, but today I want to scream. joint pain is one of the side effects, and boy o boy, I have that! I want to cut myself in half and throw my legs out the window! It is nearly impossible to get comfortable, and none of my pain meds are touching it. I hate to complain, I like to focus on the good stuff, but this is agony, I'm over it for sure. The good news is that it should only last the rest of the day and maybe tonight. I will be celebrating as soon as it passes, I can't wait!!!!!

Starting Chemo Again

I go in tomorrow morning for more chemo, yum! This time is much easier than last time. I am not nearly as nervous or scared. I was kind of a hot mess last time, this time is no big deal. I will be there for a long time, the drugs take 3 hours, and I like them slow because it messes with my sinuses and that's not including the time it takes to hook it up and unplug it later. So I will be there for a while, I am going to wear my pj bottoms, not something I usually do, but 3 + hours in a chair sounds insane!!!! SO tonight I am going to watch 24 and relax, go to bed early, well maybe not too early. Tomorrow I will get up early so I can eat and let it digest for a long time before I go down there. This round will be taxol, much better than the AC pack I had last time, but I doubt I will pee cool colors. There will be more joint and bone pain, but not as much nausea, which sounds good. I will try to post tomorrow so you know how it went, but I have a Dr. D appointment in the pm, I think he might extract the fluid from my mastectomy, don't be jealous!

Wow, big day!

There was a lot that happened today. At first I was not very happy. I started my day reading the details of my insurance plan, and I mean the details!, to make sure that prosthetics and bras would be covered. They are, but I am not sure how many they will cover, I have a prescription for two each. Next I called to find out if the stores took insurance directly or if I needed to purchase the items and be reimbursed by my insurance later. Well, two of the three don't do that anymore and the third was someones house. The lady that answered at the house was very shocked that someone called about a breast prosthesis. I find it hard to believe that no one else has called he since it was printed on a prescription form. She laughed and was pretty rude about it. Ok, soooo, where can I get a new boob?!?! I called two more places that came recommended by one of the places that doesn't do that anymore. One was an old hag that is apparently the holder of all new boobs and you must kiss her ass enough to qualify, ok, next. The machine picked up, but it was a really really nice message, so I will call again tomorrow and see if I can get someone. They have a website too and it looks really really promising! The machine answered most of my questions and that makes me think that they get quite a few calls like mine. Therefore, they will be the people to win my business, I think. Overall, people should be a little nicer when dealing with this. Do they think it is fun to call around and shop for a boob? Wouldn't that tell them that I am already down at least one, who would be so mean to someone with no boob? I chalk it up to Monday morning blues, no one wants to be back at work and sell some boobs. lets move on.

I call the pathology place, who is still waiting for payment, from October!, and beg them to not send me to collections. The bill is for about $1,000, and they really want to be paid. I don't blame them, but I have a second insurance that needs to pay before I start paying my portion. I have called them three times and made really good notes, thank God and Dad for telling me to keep really good notes, and was told each tome not to worry, they would wait for the insurance. They don't bill this particular insurance directly so, they wait for them a lot. But today, they no longer care and I go to collections in 10 days. I pay a little to avoid it, but I am hesitant to pay very much because then I will be out the $1000 and be waiting for reimbursement. Not to mention that I actually don't have $1,000 just sitting around doing nothing. I called my fav insurance guy, and he settles it in one day! Thanks Dan! He called me back less than 5 hours later, unheard of response time for insurance stuff, and said the check was going out today, OMG can you believe it?!, and that someone was calling the pathology place to let them know there is a payment coming. Yeah!!!!

Since I had to go to the Y to call insurance and fax the EOB, that's insurance talk for explanation of benefits, I got to see some friends and catch up on the latest happenings around the Y. I was about to go up to my office to get Dan's card and they told me the house was off limits! There are some leaking and ceiling falling problems. Who knows what my office looks like! It was nice to see everyone and laugh for a while. A 10 min visit turned into almost 2 hours :) I love the Y.

Also in insurance news, I added up all of the amounts billed to date, from October 3rd, my first Dr's appointment for the "lump", and the total is big! $116,386.42. All towards breast cancer fighting!

Ok, sooo, on to the next thing, Dr H! I really really like him, he is my oncologist, the big drug guy, the chemo man. He says things look good and he almost doesn't know what to do with me. I say be aggressive, B-E- Aggressive! So, Taxol is next, 4 doses every other week, so 8 weeks of chemo coming up. I start next Tuesday, March 31st. hmmm.... I asked for Tuesdays, instead of the Mondays they offered, so I can go bowling on Mondays, yeah! Radiation is a maybe, but I am voting for yes, I will not like it later, but right now I want to go for it! I would rather spend more time now getting it done than to come back in three years and have to do it all over again.
After that Heddi and I took our dogs for a walk downtown. Kona is such a good leash dog that I was able to hold her in my left hand and not have too much pain on my left side. I did get tired, but not until we got back to the truck. Tomorrow I need to handle my prescriptions and get all of those taken care of before I start chemo. Yeah, gotta love chemo, not really it's pretty yucky! But at least with my schedule I will feel good for Easter and the spaghetti feed, that is a true yeah!!

can't stop thinking about my doctors office

When I went in to my appointment yesterday I saw someone I know. She was there for a biopsy and I am so sad about it. I can't stop thinking about it. I remember sitting there for my biopsy and all of the things going through my mind. Being diagnosed was the hardest part of this entire thing. I really just thought I would curl up and be soooo depressed if I found out I had cancer. She was trying to not think about it so we talked about other stuff. I hope she is doing well and isn't in too much pain. Statistics on on her side, at the biopsy point it is still a good bet that it is not cancer. So she is on my mind and in my prayers! I think I will see her next week sometime and I can not wait to hear what the results are.

No more mouse in this pocket!

I had a follow up appointment today for my surgeon to remove my drain. He gave me a shot to numb me up, but I didn't even feel that. It will take a while for all of my nerve endings to grow back and to have full feeling in the area. So, I didn't feel a thing! It just felt like a lot of pressure being released from the area. I got to see the tube that has been inside of me and it looked weird but still kind of cool too. Now the shot is wearing off a little but it feels so much better! I can not wait until the swelling goes down some more it looks better and better everyday. :)
My doctor also said another patient of his had told him they had read my blog, I thought that was cool too. He couldn't tell me who it was because of confidentiality and he couldn't even confirm that he knew who I was to them, but i was happy to hear that people are reading it. I have been trying to figure out who it is, but nobody comes to mind. Of course it could be completely obvious too and I just can't think, that has been happening a lot lately. Oh and the mouse in the pocket title? I was going to draw little whiskers and a mouse ears on my drainage bulb to make it look like a mouse. ha ha ha. The tube would be the tail, can you picture it, funny huh? Oh and I got a prescription for my prosthetic so I get to go boob shopping next week, he even gave me a catalog today, sooooo funny! There are really all shapes and sizes!

Bowling for Boobies!!!

I am sooooo excited right now! I just heard from my friends at work and they are joining a bowling league! There are already 3 teams of us!!!! If you want to join in on all the fun, e-mail me. Phofe2774@yahoo.com here are some details; Monday nights at 6:30 starting May 11th for 14 weeks. (You gotta look at your own calendar, cause I was too excited to figure out all the dates before I started writing.) $11 a night, bring the money when you come. The proceeds go to Susan G. Komen and if you pay $5 more a week you get a breast cancer ball at the end of the league!!!! I am so excited right now I might burst, it will be so fun to see all of my friends every week! Let me know by Friday March 20th if you want to join a team or if you would like to be an alternate. YEAH BOWLING!

Post Surgery Doctors Appointment

I had my doctors appointment today and have good and bad news. The bad news is that the breast tissue had a lot of little cancer spots. The good news is that the margins are clear! Sooooo there will be no more surgeries on the left side!!!!!! I have been doing a lot of thinking about the right side and had decided it would be best to just have them remove it. After hearing the pathology report about the left side I will definitely be removing the right side. My doctor said that while there was no evidence of there being cancer on the right side right now it is not uncommon for there to be cancer 10 years later with a pathology report like mine. So, it's off with the right one too. After I finish the rest of treatment, chemo and maybe radiation, (i want both) I will have reconstruction that will include removing the right side as well. I did ask to meet with the plastic surgeon to start getting ideas and options for reconstruction. My doctor said it could take a month to get an appointment with him, so I really want to get in to see him! Wow!!!! I am so excited about my new rack!!!! Have a great night! I'm googling reconstructions!!! :)

yeah shower!

My first surgery was Feb 4th, the last one March 4th. After each surgery they tape you up and tell you no showers until the doctor removes the tape. So, I did some math and I think I have had 4 showers in the past month! I can sponge bathe, but that doesn't cut it when it has been nearly a month. People tell me I don't stink and they even say you look great. Ok, really people? I have hair that isn't even an inch long and one boob. My skin is broken out everywhere in tiny bumps, (I am allergic to the tape I have been wearing for the past 5 weeks) and I am on pain meds. I might not be hideous, but I know I don't "look great". It makes me laugh every time and I appreciate it, but they removed my boob not my brain... he he he.
Ok, I'm off to take another great half shower. Don't be jealous! :)

life after mastectomy

My memory after surgery and while I was in the hospital is riddled with holes. I was in and out of sleep and on morphine. I remember the recovery room. Usually I come in talking but this time my throat hurt and I was a little more tired. So I stayed quiet. The nurse asked me to take a deep breathe a few times, I had a mask, I am guessing oxygen. The clack was 6:30 the first time I remember looking at it. I think it was 7:00 when the movers came in. They were nice kids, 2 guys that looked about 17. They rolled me to my room. I remember realizing during the move that my boob had been removed. I wanted to look so bad but was afraid I might cry and the poor boys wouldn't know what to do, so I remember waiting. It was really hard to wait, and I was all drugged up so it was nearly impossible. I concentrated on where they were taking me so I could tell people where my room was. Once there they moved me onto my new bed and I had a few minuets before everything happened. I looked down and say a boob on one side and a very flat bandage on the other. It is amazing how much tummy I can see without a boob in the way. It was really weird getting used to it. When I put my hand to it, i naturally wanted to stop before I got all the way to the bandage, my hand was expecting to run into my boob and it never did. It took a few days for that to go away. Now when i reach up it kind of knows, but with the bandage and still being numb from surgery it is still funny. My plain t shirts look normal, it is kind of hard to tell in some of them really, but I put on a YMCA shirt today that has writing across the chest and it looks so weird! It catches my eye every time I look in the mirror. I have a temporary booby to slip in when i go someplace or when people come over, but it puts pressure on my surgery area so i prefer not to wear it. I thought it would take longer to get used to it, or that I would hate it. I don't hate it and I can actually see why some women prefer not to have reconstruction Life is so much easier without them, and I think I look thinner on that side.

just an update

This morning I woke up to a broken drainage bulb. Sucky! My doctor is not on call this weekend, and I think he is out of town for a few days, so I called his office expecting to get his answering service. It just rang and rang and rang. So I called the hospital, their number was on the drainage instruction sheet. They gave me the number to the answering service and the lady tells me I called the wrong number, even though she would still be the person helping me. I'm thinking does is matter? I'm just so happy to get someone on the phone that might be able to help me. I tell her the phone doesn't answer blah blah blah...... so she decides to go ahead and help me, even though I called the wrong number. I'm sure there must be a difference for her to even notice, but I really didn't feel like getting the run around. I just want my drainage bulb working well. Sooooo.... after many calls back and forth and some confusion, moments close to tears, a trip home and a trip to the hospital, I have a new bulb and it seems to be working well. Once I got it fixed I went to Redwood High School where my dad had his car in the Woodie show. It was nice to see him and the car looked so good. All of his friends were there and he seemed to be having a really good time. We walked around for a while and I probably didn't even see all of the cars, but that's ok. Wish Upon A Star was there and they are selling raffle tickets for a Harley Davidson, $10 a ticket or 11 tickets for $100. If you want tickets let me know or call them. There is a ton of time, but don't forget!
Ok, I'm going to go check some e-mails and rest a little more. I really liked moving around and even played a little Frisbee with Makenzie. (my doctor said I could do anything but play tennis or bowl with my left arm :))

Home Sweet Home

After what started out to be a really bad day, I got to go home. I was getting so irritable from lack of sleep, being hovered around by a ton of people, and having had no fresh air for three days. I really was about to go totally insane with it all. Then my doctor came walking in and let me go home! I am soooooooooooooo happy to be home. My own bed is the best thing ever. I am still high as a kite from the morphine with just a little bit of pain, 2 vicodin in and it is almost gone :) I think overall it was a good hospital stay but I am so thankful for my own bed, there's just no place like home! I will be resting and taking it easy for the next few days and then I will be up to my old ways, he he he! Have a great days! Love Janice

Feeling Good

I am feeling pretty good. I have been in a little pain, but not too bad. Sleeping is always difficult in the hospital and after surgery anyway. I was up almost all night and wasn't able to eat until today, so I am hungry and tired, but will be better soon. Morphine is my friend and takes away a lot of the pain. - have had some great visitors and had so much fun lughing and talking with them!!!! I was so happy to see them!!! It is kind of wierd to not be able to leave yet, so wierd. This is my first hospital stay and I am sure that the Broderick Pavilion is the best place if you have to be here. There are only 11 rooms and patients must meet some requirements to stay. One being you must be reasonably healthy, kind of a funny rule for staying at the hospital, but basicaly you can't be carrying cooties! Also you must be here for just a few nights, I think 3 at the most. Anyway, I love love love it! The rooms are big and the staff are really great! I am finally allowed to eat real food and am so excited! So, I just wanted to give a quick update, I can go home tomorrow or the next day. I don't have me lap top, so I am posting from the blackberry, love it! Much love- Janice
I just got home and couldn't remember what I wrote, clearly morphine is not the blogger's friend. All the mistakes are funny and really make me laugh, so I will leave it as it is and just enjoy how much the morphine did for me.

I did it! i made it through surgery and will here for a few days!

Going in

I am getting ready to go in right now and I couldn't feel better about it. I am in a very good state of mind and as prepared for this as possible. My body will forever be changed in a fairly drastic way, but my mind and soul belong to me, and God. It took some time to get here, but I think I am really here. I found my stages of anger or whatever its called today. Good timing huh? It made me feel even better about my emotional state and all of the processes (mood changes) I have gone through this past few days. My case management nurse called today and suggested I get counseling to accept this. She was so depressed sounding and full of so much pity I wanted to suggest the same for her. Don't get me wrong, there are moments where I wish I didn't have to do this, of course, and I do not rule out professional help in going through this at all. But for her to focus on that so much and that is the only bit of professional medical advice 2 hours before I go in? I want a new nurse, one that can be emotionally supportive instead of dead weight. Ok, moving on, my family has been really helpful in their continued support, and Heidi! Heidi has been such a great friend through all of this is amazing!
I will write again after surgery, but it might be a few days :) Love you all! Janice

2 days till surgery

I met with my doctor today and got some more info on my surgery. I will be staying at the Broderick Pavilion, sounds fancy, the nurse said it was very nice and like a hotel. I am excited that I will not be in general population next to sickies and near a bunch of hospital cooties. Surgery isn't until 3:30, check in at 1:30 so I plan on sleeping in as long as possible on Wednesday, my cell will be on quiet until I wake up. I can't eat or drink anything before surgery and sleeping through all those hours of hungriness makes it so much easier. Surgery will take an hour and a half, but I am sure it will be longer, so far they have all been longer. So many people have been so concerned and have been calling and e-mailing, it is like when I was first diagnosed. I love all of the support but am having a hard time getting back to everyone. If I don't get in touch with you before surgery, I will talk to you after. Thanks for all of the love and support, I couldn't do this without it.
There have been a ton of questions the most popular being 'how I am doing?' the second being 'what about the other one?' Well, I am doing ok, there have been some bad moments and some good moments. Altogether they have been mostly better. It is a pretty easy to accept when considering the options. Your life for a boob, who would gladly give it up. Actually doing it suck a little, but I will move forward and soon there will be a day when it isn't nearly as painful- both literally and emotionally. I have done a ton of research and I am glad there will be some time for me to heal- again both emotionally and physically- before reconstruction. Some of the survivor blogs I have read said it was really difficult to be happy with their reconstruction when they didn't mourn their real one first. Ok, the second question, as of right now the right one will stay where it is. There is absolutely no reason to take it off now, other than my own peace of mind and decisions that large are not being made this week :) I need to consult the rest of my medical team before making any permanent decisions. If it does need to come off it can go too, even if the only reason is because I don't trust it after it's twin went all crazy terrorist rebellious on me.
I dream of the day where my chest isn't covered in tape and the rash I get from it. Even the adhesive on band aids is removing skin and breaking out.

long day...

So I have had a day for everything to sink in and accept the news that i will have to have a mastectomy. I hung out with family a little and talked to dad a few times. I am still in shock that the doctor just happened to take more tissue and that tissue came back with cancer. I am so thankful that he did! Today has really reminded me that this disease kills people. I have been so optimistic with everything that I rarely question my own mortality. My sister and I talked about it a little and it is heartbreaking to see my family so upset and am so thankful for everyone's support, well wished, and most importantly their love. I never would have made it this far with so much hope if it weren't for them.

more surgery

I heard from my doctor this morning. The margin he went in for is clean, unfortunately there is another spot that has more infiltrating cancer. When I talked to him this morning he said that there was no reason for him to gather more tissue, he just did. Thank God he did, he said sometimes God whispers in your ear, I told him that I was glad he was listening! How many times have we been whispered to, or even yelled to and have not listened? So, basically I will go back on Wednesday and have a mastectomy. The lymph nods are still clear so they will just remove the breast tissue. I have told a few people, I am sure I will talk to more in the coming days. They are all very concerned and don't believe me when I say that I am ok with this. So here are all of the reasons that this is not bad news for me. I have been preparing for this news for 6 weeks, after two partial mastectomies- they no longer seem to be a "pair", I get a tummy tuck to make the new one if I want :) My left boob will never get sore when I am pms-ing ever ever ever ever again! YEAH!!!!, I don't need it to live, I can feel what it is like to flat chested-literally, and I am sure there are many more good things about this. I am sad about having to go in for more surgery, I hate the taste in your mouth afterwards and not being able to eat or drink anything ALL day and the surgery is at 3:30 in the afternoon- stupid!- and I do not like having to stay in the hospital- it will be my first overnight trip and I just know I am going to come out with an extra nose and a staph infection. The other thing is that I am tired of being a patient, I want to do things myself and without everyone checking on my all the time. I have been very good at it and feel I have served my time being dependent. I am also disappointed that there had to be so many surgeries. One of the reasons I chose to do the partial was the chance of less surgeries total, no reconstruction, etc- but we ended up needing 5 when I could have had two. I am very glad that such an effort was made and that in the end I will know that all the cancer is gone. I will know more about my surgery on Monday after my doctor's appointment.

Recovering from 2nd Surgery

I had a second partial mastectomy on Friday, the 20th. This one was at Cypress surgical center and was a shorter than the last one. One margin from the first surgery showed some can cancer and they had to go back in to get it. It was small enough for another partial. I haven't been in too much pain, as long as I sit still, which is nearly impossible. But am trying and have done, in my opinion, done a very good job. If I avoid car rides and too much walking, then I can avoid taking vicodin, which is great because I am allergic to tape and have been taking benadryl everyday. I have a splint on and there is tape all over my chest. I call it my booby cast, but my doctor always calls it a splint. Hee hee. I think he doesn't know exactly how to take me, but he seems to laugh with me so that's good. He tells me I can not shower until the 3rd. I told him it is really hard to keep friends with no bathing for 10 days! He laughs. He is a really cool doctor, in his office he is calm and collected. He seems pleasant and is always very professional and concerned. On surgery days, he is really excited. This man was born to cut people and I am glad he chose to be a doctor, otherwise he really could have been some kind of psycho stabber. I have never had surgery before all of this, but I don't think other surgeons are this excited to cut people open or too sew them up. He really seems to get a kick out of it. Really, it does seem better to have a surgeon that loves it more than one that is bored with it. Ok, I think I am rambling. I have another appointment on the 3rd and will post the results of this surgery. If this one comes back with any margins that are not clear I will need a full mastectomy. So hope for the best! Love you all! Janice

Lance Armstrong

As many of the local Visalians know, cyclist and cancer survivor, Lance Armstrong was here today, racing through town. The streets were closed, my doctor had to move my appointment from this morning to this afternoon because there was no way to get to his office, helicopters and sirens were herd as the group raced through. Even our mountains seemed to know something was happening and decided to show up, something that doesn't happen often enough. Heidi's mom and aunt, Linda and Nancy were there to see it all and to take advantage of a little free chalk. (There was a guy who's job is to pass out yellow chalk for spectators to scribble names and words of encouragement to the racers.) So, here is a picture of my name in yellow chalk, thank you Linda and Nancy! I love it!!!!

Yeah Pictures!!!

I love my pictures! These are the pictures Deene Souza took for think pink photography. She is soooo amazing! I loved taking the pictures and they are better than I ever thought possible. There are some I will never post on the internet, he he he..... but there are some that I can post and some that I have cropped. Enjoy! And thank you Deene! They are absolutely the best pictures I have ever had of myself! I can't wait to take my "after" pictures!

Post op news

I saw my surgeon today and there is more good news than bad news. The good news is that they got most of it and that my lymph nodes are clear. The bad news is that one of the margins wasn't clear and they have to go back in and get it. This surgery will be about 30 min and has a success rate of 80-90%. Right now things look good, a little swollen and discolored but not too bad. There is very little change in shape and size which was the best news! I talked to a few people today and they asked if I was excited to finally see it. I was a little, but I was more excited to find out if I got to keep it. Now, that I know I have an excellent chance of keeping it, I am very excited!!! Have a great evening! :)

Visalia

So Megan is in town taking care of me, she used to live here and now lives in Texas. We have been enjoying all of the local food favourites. Rosa's, See's Candies, and Splash Cafe clam chowder. We even thought about going to the coast, but it would be way too much for me, thank God Costco has frozen splash! I love it! It has been really fun eating all of this great food and hanging out with Megan getting caught up on everything and everyone he he he :) Megan has been sending text messages to her mom, sister and husband flaunting all the great food we have been chowing on. They are so mad and I think her mom has disinherited her. So funny! I guess they should have came out here too. And Mumsi, you really should be happy that your daughter is enjoying herself and is so unselfish that she came all the way out here to do a good deed and take care of me. That should double her inheritance, not lessen it! You raised a very giving person! No more mean text messages, Much Love Janice & Megan

Flowers

Heidi's parents Dan and Linda brought sunflowers after surgery. They are so pretty. Yesterday the doorbell rings and there are more flowers. The YMCA sent a really gorgeous bouquet. I took pictures of both to share with everyone. They make me smile and smell great! Thank you so much! They make me smile!

recovering and think pink pic

I fell pretty good so far. I get twinges of pain now and then, but nothing like I thought. The port surgery was much worse mostly because I couldn't move my neck. I have a lot better movement with this one so I am happy. Megan is here making sure that I do not get up too much or do anything crazy, like go to the mall. Megan forgot to pack pj's so I thought we should just pop right out and go get some. We could use my mom's handicap placarded and run into old navy, it isn't even 500 feet of walking. Megan went ballistic. I mean really! It's not that far and I can walk. We didn't go, and I am glad, I think it really could have been too much, but it was funny to watch Megan go nuts. he he he.

Think pink took my picture before I started treatment. I have been waiting to see them so I went to the photographer's website and saw this one! I love it. So I e-mailed her and hope to hear back soon. I'm so excited!!!!

Recovering from surgery

I am home, yeah!! and recovering in the recliner. The surgery went well. My lymph nodes were clean, there is one more screening they need to do before they are 100% cleared, but right now it looks good. I will find out next week on Wednesday or Thursday if the partial mastectomy was successful or if I need to go back and have a full mastectomy. Pray that this one worked, I do not want to have another surgery! Of course if I do the bonus is that I would get a full fakey instead of no reconstruction option.
Megan is here and doing a very good job making sure I don't do anything more than sit here and recover. Linda and Vicki came by with gifts, THANK YOU, and my family spent the afternoon hanging out and relaxing with me :)

Surgery in the morning

I check in at 6:00 am and go in to surgery at 8:30 am. My end time is 9:53 am. I laughed when she told me the exact end time. Recovery will take about 45 - 60 min. And then I get to go home! After my last surgery and knowing how their schedules really go, I might be home by 2:00 :) I will post when I can to let everyone know how it went. Of course if anything goes wrong I will have to stay overnight, I really really really want to come home, but will stay if I have to...... Have a good night! Love Janice

Surgery on Wednesday

I'm almost ready, I have a little more to do to get ready. The goal is to get everything done so I can have an enjoyable recovery. Tomorrow I need to go to the bank, the grocery store, fill my prescriptions, and a few more things around the house. I go pretty early on Wednesday morning so at least I don't have to fast for as long as last time. My port surgery was late in the afternoon and I could eat all day, that was pretty terrible.
Also, I am thinking about joining some breast cancer walks. Kera is doing Avon's San Fransisco walk in July. I might do that with her. There is another walk in October for Susan G. Komen. Right now I want to do both, but that is a lot of fundraising to do, almost $5,000. I like the October one because it is breast cancer month and the month I was diagnosed. It is Oct 2-4th and my first doctors appointment was on October 3rd. Kind of cool. I'll let you know which one I do, maybe both and if you want to join or donate let me know :)
Goodnight! Janice

Scary Movies and Friends from Texas

After weeks of begging I agreed to go see My Bloody Valentine. Heidi really wanted to go see it and it was the 3D and 'going during the day so I wouldn't be scared leaving the theater' that sold me. Well, we ended up going a little later than we hoped, but still got out pretty early so we could watch princess bride or fern gully to bring peace and happiness back into the world. The movie scared the crap out of me!!!!! The 3D was really cool but not sure if it was worth it. I am very proud of myself for sitting there the entire movie though. During the previews I knew I was in the wrong place and way too close! We sat really close and 3D puts things in your lap already so I think it made it double scary. I'm not even exaggerating about how scared I was either. After the movie we went to the Gap, that made me a little better but I still wasn't breathing right. We went by Longs to take out blood pressure and heart rates, ok, my blood pressure was great, but my heart rate was 97!!!!! OMG! 45 min later I was still near "work out" heart rate!!!! It was good for a scary movie, sometimes they are pretty lame, but I really liked this. Heidi was scared too, she jumped so much there was more popcorn on the floor all around her than she got in her mouth. So I think you should only go see it if your heart is good, there really should be a warning or something. And of course everyone else was teenagers and we felt like little old ladies sitting in the front gasping for air and throwing popcorn all over the place, they probably had more fun watching us than the movie. he he he
Megan, my best friend from high school is coming to help take care of me after surgery and while Heidi is gone. I'm so excited to see her and just hang out, but I wish it was for fun. We should have a lot of time together, but I will probably be sleeping or in pain most of the time. She will be here Wednesday the day of surgery and will stay until Monday. It should be a good way to recover! :)
That's about all I have going on right now. I have been spending my time getting over chemo and getting ready for surgery. I want to get everything clean, get some more pj tops and stock the house with everything I could need for a few weeks so I can just stay home and recover.

New Wig!

A friend bought me a new wig. I love it! We went wig shopping in Fresno at a breast cancer store, The Power of Pink. It is a great store and I loved everything they had. The owners are a mother and daughter team that have both survived breast cancer. When the mother was diagnosed they wanted to buy pink ribbon items and nobody had a good selection, so they created a store that did. There was more pink stuff than I had ever seen. And they had a great selection of wigs. I can not wait for everyone to see it! I am so thankful for such great friends. I was not looking for a new wig but she has been wanting to buy me one for a while. And if the perfect wig hadn't been there, I never would have let her. It's long and dark with some highlights, it is parted just like my hair was, it's perfect! My other wig is short and a little darker. The perma tease makes it look like damaged hair and I haven't been wearing it very much. I woke up today so excited about my new one, I couldn't wait to get dressed! I am going to the beauty supply store to get a brush and some more wig caps. Have a great day!
Love Janice

feeling good about upcoming surgery

I have had a few days to think about meeting with the doctor and am excited about my decision and the results from chemo. I am still trying to prepare myself for the chance of needing a full mastectomy, but for now, I am loving the idea of a partial. So, Feb 4th is the day, I will know what time on the 2nd and of course will post it that evening. My pre-op appointment is at 3:00 and I will need to do some lab work. It is nice not having a work schedule to arrange all of these things with.

partial or full mastectomy

I saw my doctor today and it looks good for a partial mastectomy. I am happy to hear that I now qualify for one, but wish my numbers were better. there is only a 60%-70% chance that a partial will remove all of the cancer. So I really should still consider a full. There are pros and cons with this decision and its not one to take lightly. There are many things that are the same regardless of which surgery (the partial or full mastectomy). Either way, I will have another round of chemo and radiation. There is no reconstruction for a partial and the scaring will be considerable as will the size, about 25% of my breast tissue will be removed. The full offers complete reconstruction but a longer healing time and reconstruction is additional surgeries. Some deciding factors were that with the partial, he does not have to remove the nipple and sew it back on (pretty painful stuff), I was blessed with a fair amount of breast tissue so I will still have enough left, and the place of the tumor will allow me to keep my cleavage (the part most people see anyway). I think the only time anyone would ever really know is when I am topless or in a bathing suite and at that point the symmetry of my chest is one of the last things on my mind. The cons are that one breast will always be smaller, unless I shrink the other one (an option I am not in love with) and there is a chance not all of the cancer will be removed meaning more surgeries. I can always go back and get the full if it is not all removed and ultimately I feel that I would regret not trying to save it with chances that are better than a coin toss of removing it all with a partial. So as of this minute I am going partial- I might change my mind and I might not. I really need to sleep on it and I am trying to think of everything that should go into this decision. Recurrence rates are about the same and I think that it would be easier to feel if there is breast to feel it in. Either way- surgery is Feb 4th.

Last days of chemo

I did it! I made it through chemo with my spirit and health in tact! I had read of people's hair growing back right after, but I didn't think it would happen to me, but guess what?!! I see hair! On me! Yeah!!! I even had to shave my legs today, yes you lose ALL of your hair. Don't get me wrong I have enjoyed not having to shave or hair dry during treatment, but it is really nice to see it coming back to soon. The eyebrows look a little choppy but not bad and eyelashes are better than when I cut them off with a defective eyelash curler. The next chemo treatment will knock it all out again, but I am so happy that it won't take forever for it to start to come in again. I want to scream and dance and shout with excitement! Not sure what I am going to shout really, but sounds like fun! Can you picture me yelling how happy I am to have a few hairs on my head. Ha! I'd look completely nuts. :) I am going to have a great weekend and enjoy myself to the fullest. Next week will be getting ready for surgery, mentally and physically.
Till next time! Love Janice

Cheeky Monkey

My cheeks are soooooooo swollen. I am guessing from the steroids, but they are super sized! Like super super large! They are so big that my teeth are leaving impressions inside my mouth. I have bitten a huge hole on one side so now that side is more swollen than the other. So, my face is not only freakishly childlike but lopsided too. Chemo = good times. Really it's getting better, but for a couple days it was rough chewing, sleeping, talking etc etc. I am glad the swelling is going down and the large hole is shrinking.
In other news.... I am officially off of work for a while. I ended up taking last week off from the fourth chemo treatment. When you go on disability you have to take one week off of work and instead of going to work for a week or so and then taking another week off I just went out a little earlier. Confused, sorry, I blame my chemo brain for my inability to explain things or even speak clearly lately.
Also, I am an ordained minister. ah haa haa. Really! Revered Janice is what is says on my certificate. So, I can marry people and everything. I can even start a church. SO I started the church of the beanie. :) Really I did it so I can officiate my sisters wedding. Much better option than wearing a brides maid's dress just after surgery and bald.
And almost finally, a lot of people are asking how I am feeling. I am feeling pretty good. Last week was rough. I was very tired and sleeping most of the time. This week is better but my energy is still low. I am feeling better every day, getting more and more energy. Now that I am off of work I am bored silly, I told Heidi the other day that I was already bored for the next day. She laughed at me. The nausea is mostly gone and my hair is even growing in. I will lose it again, but it is nice to see that it will come back quick.
Ok, and finally finally, a lot of people are asking what is next. I go to my surgeon on Jan. 20th. He will measure it and decide what type of surgery to do. Lumpectomy, partial mastectomy, or full mastectomy. It is much smaller so I think that it will be a lumpectomy or partial mastectomy. He does surgery on Wednesdays and Fridays so it could be that week on the 23rd or the next week on either day. It is all up in the air and anything can happen. As soon as I know I will post to share the news. After surgery they give a few weeks off to recover and then it is back for more chemo then radiation. Radiation is six weeks putting me at the end of May all fixed up and ready to go.
Good night I am off to bed!
Much love! Janice

Round 4 is in, can we all say chemo brain?

I had heard of chemo brain before, but I am really feeling it today. I have forgotten lots of things, like why I am in a certain room, how to spell everything and then of course I forget to spell check before I send, I forgot something else too, but now I forgot what it was, funny huh? Well I guess I am ok with it, but would prefer to have my normal brain power back.

Ok, so update from the doctor! I always see him before I get my treatment and when he checked the tumor he could barley find it!!!! I love it!!! So today in the shower I did a quick check, and I would have never gone to the doctor for what I felt, it was like a little bump, but nothing like it was when I even first found it. I am sooooo happy! My treatment is not the traditional routine, most treatments start with surgery. My doctor suggested this treatment schedule and shared the pros and cons. I decided I liked it, and we are doing it. One of the pros for it is seeing the cancer shrink and the faith it gives me in what chemo can do. I shared this with my dad and he asked what would happen if we just did more chemo. I told him he would have one pissed of daughter. Yeah, I've been taking it and running with what I have been dealt, but lets not add more grossness right now. I am so full of chemicals! So next is surgery then some more chemo, and then radiation. My risk management nurse said I'll be in a bikini by the summer. Wow what a thought! I doubt I will be wearing a bikini that soon, no more tanning and lots of steroids that make me eat like Michael Phelps so there is a little extra weight to lose, but I'm sure it won't stick around for long. Maybe there will be a fall bikini event I can get into! :)

Another thing on my mind is the results. I go for my surgery consultation on Jan 20th and am trying to prepare myself for whatever news he dishes out. I am sure it is smaller, but I do not want to get my hopes up about anything. So, trying to be a little realistic. He he he funny coming from me? yeah I'm not sure how realistic I have potential to be about anything. :)

I love my roommate! She just cut out some hair dye coupons for me! She thinks of me! Another friend called the other day before she came over and asked if I needed anything and then added, hair products, anything at all? Of course I thought she was joking so I laughed and said hair spray, and she was sooooo funny and caught what she had said and about died. She felt bad, but it really made me laugh, maybe the only contagious part of cancer is the chemo brain. I love the people in my life soooo much. They make this all so easy for me that I can not imagine going through though this without them.

Ok, goodnight! Lots of love! Janice