I'm not promising anything, but I have been on the phone with a few doctor's assistants today and I might even have a third blog for today! *gasp* I know!
So this one is a vent..... I have waited a few days for my emotions to calm down and for my cognitive reasoning to catch up.... My mom got married over the weekend and Tony and I went to the wedding (that was the easy part). When we got there we went to the front and sat in our reserved seats. Some lady, Pam*, came over ans asked who we were since the seats were saved for Sandy's daughter. I said that's me. She said oh ok, she knew one daughter lived in New York, I said yes, that's my sister. She said well, if your here and the other sister is in New York, where is the sick daughter? I didn't know she there were three of you. I said that was me. She said oh well you don't look sick. I told her it's the chemo that makes you loose your hair cancer doesn't make you go bald by itself. She insisted that I could not be sick. Thankfully I got called away but Tony stayed and Pam continued to say how she just didn't believe that I was sick. She kept insisting that there was no way I was sick. I went up to her after the ceremony and told her to stop, I was sick and that she was being rude. I didn't have to prove to her and frankly I didn't care if she believed me or not, but it was very inappropriate to tell someone they aren't sick. I was so frustrated with her. Everyone else kept saying wow you look so good, it's so good to see you..... It felt good to be out and to see friends and family that I hadn't seen in a long time. I think that Pam was just trying to say that I looked healthy and no one would have guessed I was ill, but her actual words were hurtful and inappropriate. *Pam may or may not be her real name.
Some days I don't have the energy for hair and makeup, but when I have an event or a day where I am going to see friends I really try hard to do my hair and my makeup. When I look good, people treat me well. I'm not sure I feel about this) When I look good, I feel better, that is the important part. My bones still hurt and I still get out of breath, but I smile easier and feel better. No one can tell I'm sick and that's what I want. But I don't want another Pam following me around and questioning me all day and basically calling me and my family liars, who lies about having cancer? I am bracing myself for the day someone questions my handicap parking privilege. I only use it when I know that it is too far of a walk for me, but still sometimes I get out of the car and I'm sure people question it. I know I'm not the only one that has experienced this, most diseases don't have a clear physical signs, you don't turn green to show you have heart disease, or purple to show diabetes. This is why we should be nice to everyone, and treat everyone with care and respect.
My experience at my moms wedding reminds me of a Real Houswives of Atlanta Reunion when Andy Cohen asked Kim if she had cancer, she said she started loosing her hair and the doctors thought she might have cancer..... She didn't, but she took forever to answer the questions and it felt like she wanted some kind of cancer sympathy for loosing her hair. UGH!!! Cancer doesn't make you loose your hair! Chemo does! And, get this.... Not all chemotherapy will make you loose your hair. That's right, a lot of chemos don't cause hair loss. My first chemo, in 2008 caused 100% hair loss, my second caused 94% or 96% and that's about what I lost. When I was first diagnosed I read about a study where men were given a pill and were told that the pill would cause hair loss. 30% of them lost their hair, turns out the pill was a placebo! The mind is powerful! So are our words.
