The "look" of Cancer

I don't look like I have cancer, however, that doesn't make it any less real, or lethal. It is very common for me to come across people that don't believe me and I don't really mind what those people think. In 2008, I lost my hair and had many visible indicators of cancer and people treated me like I looked. It's ironic that now I have had more chemo than ever and have cancer worse than before, but since I don't have those physical indicators, people don't believe me. I don't mind people treating my like a healthy every day person, but when people accuse me of lying or taking advantage, I get frustrated. Today, I was walking out of the bank when a sweet looking lady asked me if I was disabled. I said yes. Then, she started in on me, yelling at me that I certainly was not disabled and that I looked fine to her. I assured her that I was disabled and after she kept on and told me I should have saved the parking space that I was using for the "crippleds", I got it. I couldn't' believe it. She was mad because I parked in the handicap space and she felt I didn't deserve it. Clearly the DMV and my doctors disagree or I wouldn't have the placard hanging from my review mirror. I told her she had no idea about my situation and that she should be ashamed of herself. I also told her I would pray for her to realize how lucky she was. She ignored me and kept walking into the bank, not believing a word. No one likes to be judged and we often have no idea what other people are really going through. Clearly that lady had a lot more going on in her life to be so upset about a parking space and I really did pray for her that life will get better. But I'm sick or people being so rude. It seems like people are getting more and more aggressive about it. I also think there are a lot of people that abuse the "perks" and lie about illness and other situations. But, is it better to let and few liars slide and get "perks" to avoid putting the truly ill people through such terrible accusations? I understand many people abuse the reserved parking, but there are a lot of people that LOOK fine but are truly disabled. I wonder if she would have taken a second to hear me and understand my situation if she would have apologized, or even agreed that I wasn't parking illegally. I told her I would love to trade her places and she had no idea what I was going through but she never heard a word. Should we walk around judging everyone and their situation? Why can't people just live and let live? Why can't we treat everyone with kindness and understanding?

Bonus Days!

The week of waiting for my PET scan results was a long one, but I will write about that later. I really want to share some of the tricks and tips I have learned to help keep the pain of waiting to a minimum. And based on some of my posts that week, I have a long way to go before I perfect the wait, but I have gotten much better! Anyway, about a week after the results came in, btw they were amazing!, I celebrated my 10th year of being 29!! I spent the day getting my hair done, running errands, and had a large family dinner. I enjoyed every minute of the day! I know I mention it all the time, but I just can't get over what Stanford said and how I only had a 1% chance of making it this long. I officially reached my bonus days and they are so wonderful and I've been walking on the clouds ever since.  I'm so thankful for all of my family and friends that helped me through the PET scan week and made my 39th birthday the best I've ever had! The 29 the thing was just being silly, I couldn't be more proud of my age and everything that comes with it, except the metabolism, what the hell is that about?!?!

PET Scan Results

Waiting for results is always the hardest part of having cancer. It's almost impossible to not think about what the results will lead to. Will I have to go back on chemo? Will there even be hope for chemo? Where are the cells? Was my last PET scan a false positive and we took time off of chemo based on it? I know all these things sound so terrible and people will say I have to think positive, but I think it's just as important to be realistic. People with my cell rarely last as long as I have. When will my run of good luck and miracles run out? If I go in there with realistic views then I can actually walk out. When I go in with the "positive" attitude that I will be fine, it's harder to walk out, I've already done it that way and the fall all the way down is much more difficult than goining in there with a realistic outlook. So while I stay positive and hope for the best, I prepare as much as I can for bad news. Thursday, the day before I got my results was the hardest day. People kept texting to see if I had gotten my results. When I looked at our texts, I can see the text telling them it would be Friday, why are they texting and adding to my tourture? I'm definitely going back to lying about my appointment schedule after that. It's funny, the same people that say to just tell the truth about my result appintment are the same people that can't stop texting and reminding me about it. I'm just not strong enough to deal with it. On Thursday I couldn't imagine how I would be strong enough to willingly walk myself into that appointment. I had looked up verses, tried to keep my mind off of it, everything I could do to keep my sanity. I'm not sure how but when I woke up on Friday, I was in the best mood! I was prepared for anything, smiling, and could actually discuss it without crying! All of my prayers came true and I walked in the cancer center smiling and easily chatting with people. Dr. Hsu came in the room without making me wait and sat down to read my results. The first thing he said was that they weren't in yet. Ugh!! I knew I wouldn't survive another week of waiting. He looked again and pulled up an image that was mostly black and had some gray outlined organs! Perfect!! I said "that looks great!!" Dr. Hsu chuckled and started reading through the report. Father a few minutes he said it was great! There weren't many changes from e last report. I immediately started crying and my dad and Tony were smiling from ear to ear. We quickly discussed our game plan, keeping treatment the same and waiting for signs of changes, either high tumor markers- that we will continue to check monthly, or new pains and changes in organ function. So I'm happy that my miracle and run of good luck hasn't stopped!

3 more days....

I got through the day ok but it wasn't a very easy one. I'm sad, I am tired of all the bills and tired of these long days waiting for results that I know someone already has. Today was painful and that didn't help my mood. I know I usually don't post like this but I do occasionally have days that are tougher than I am. Vulnerability has taught me a lot and good things that can come from it, so I thought I would post exactly what I thought of today. I hope everyone had abetted day than I did - and I can't wait to try again tomorrow, it has to be better than today!

PET scan and my loving family!!

I had a PET scan this morning. I went alone despite my husband and dad offering to go with me. The scan takes a few hours and no one can come back with you so I thought I would just let them go on with their normal routine. My hubby has been working graveyard shift and only had a few hours to nap before going in so I knew he would be really tired and I really wanted him to sleep. He did come home early to see me off and wish me luck. On my way there I cried and even went the wrong way, despite that it's attached to my cancer center where I go all the time!! When I realized I was on the freeway instead of Akers, I accepted the fact that I was a lot more upset about than I could have ever guessed and I wished I would have had one of them come with me. Once I was there, I gave my cells one more pep talk and told them to look their best for their picture. The scan was regular, same ole thing. The technician said I looked 24, I loved that!! Maybe she was just trying to cheer me up, I thought I had my game face on, but maybe it wasn't staying on. After the scan I decided to skip their restroom since it is usually dirty and I was outside of the "patient only good restroom" range now. I hurried to my car thinking of a clean Starbucks restroom, coffee and a fast breaking pastry! This test requires a 4 hours fast, and a 48 hour low carb diet. I was already backing up when I saw a truck that looked just like my dad's. At the very same second, I saw some guy was chasing me down yelling my name. My dad came and had been waiting for me in the lobby! I loved it!!! He treated me to Starbucks and I texted my husband who had been too worried to sleep that everything went fine and in would be home as soon as I re-carbed and caffeinated myself. I'm not sure if it was the coffee, my dad surprising me, or the carbs, but I was suddenly not worried or upset anymore. I get the results on Friday afternoon, both my husband and my dad will there for that. That's one I will either have to be carried out of or I will be skipping out of. I'll let you know as soon as I can, either way, this is the beginning of one of those very long weeks! I will be staying as busy as possible, I borrowed 4 books and bought a cross stitch project in case I find myself with a few minutes alone and bored. Right now I'm watching the VMA's again and really just want to know how Justin Timberlake can perform while getting on and off an escalator?!?! I have to time my exit and watch it the entire time, I'm still afraid I will fall every time I get on one and he can dance his way on and off while singing and being filmed!!! He didn't even look down!!!

Another Month of Good Tumor Markers and Being that 1%

I'm coming up on the two year mark of my recurrence, September 15. The doctors said statistically I had a 1% chance of surpassing this two year mark. Tony was in the room when we heard this and we agreed someone had to be the 1%, why not us? So now as we approach this date I can't help but be afraid that something will pop up and take over my currently able body quickly, robbing me of becoming that 1%. I try to stay focused and positive, but I still get scared. I just want to live. And it's look like this month, I will! My blood work came back and my markers are still where we want them, nice and low. While I was waiting for the news I shared my worries with Megan and she sent me the best text. So many people ask me what they should say to someone in my situation, well I think Megan nailed it so I will share her text. I had text her I was scared and I was sorry for making her worry, she replied.... Don't ever apologize... I am and will always be here to listen to you about anything... You don't have to be brave or try to protect me ever!! It just means I love you forever... As soon as I read it, I relaxed, it was exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it! It made my day! I hope all of my friends and family are happy and healthy! I am!

Low Markers and 1 Year of Being a Mrs.

Just wanted to stop in and let everyone know that my tumor markers have stayed low and we are all very happy about it. I still get treatment every month to keep those markers low and I am on some stuff daily to help out. There are a few side effects, sore joints and fatigue, seems like those are the side effects of everything I've been on since 2008. I'd rather feel like a 90 year old than have cancer though. I hope everyone is doing well and had a wonderful Easter. This weekend Tony and I celebrate our 1st anniversary! They say the first year is the hardest so I'm thinking we will do pretty well! Of course we have had a few distractions that might have made our first year a little easier for us to work as a team, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It has made us so strong. Today is also the anniversary of the passing of Katy, our beautiful cousin. I know she is smiling down on all of us giving us one of her legendary hugs!