Feeling Better

*Knocks on Wood*
I am feeling so much better! I have worn jeans for the past three days, not all day-but a few hours each day! My wonderful fiance took me to Chinese food, I went out into the world o exchange some gifts for Tony (my wonderful fiance), and I even went to my future in laws house for lunch. Today is a trip to the library and hopefully a calm afternoon. That was the longest my body had gone not being able to wear jeans! I bet it was the jean withdraw that got me so weak :) And then not being able to drive on top of it! Ugh, I was miserable! My incision is a little sore to touch and my belly has all kinds of gross bruises, but other than that I am back to my normal self! Whatever normal is anymore! Actually I think my current normal is a napping at 2:00 pm and 7:00 pm surrounded by food, reading and hanging out with Tony.

Spoke too soon :(

Yesterday I started to not feel very well. Right before presents I got really weak and instead of laying down I stayed up and opened gifts with my dad and both Tonys. By the time we were done opening I had to lay down and slept for a while. I had a low grade fever off and on. That night we went to Tony's sister's house to have Christmas with his family. I spent most of the time sleeping on the couch in my pj's but I'm glad I went and got to see everyone. On Christmas day we were supposed to have breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle and lunch with another Aunt and Uncle. I decided I would not get out of bed until I felt really good and didn't have a fever. So, I was late to both, but I got to see almost everyone. It turned out to be such a wonderful Christmas! I got a ton of wonderful gifts and got to see so much of my family! My sister and the nieces called on Skype and we opened gifts together! That was probably one of the highlights for me! I am feeling better than I did yesterday, thank goodness. At one point I even called the on call doctor and I'm so glad I didn't have to go in and have him check me out! Hopefully the next few days will continue with this latest trend of feeling better and I will be all better by the end of the week! Just in time for New Year's! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Even with a fever and being so tired I had one of the best Christmas ever!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I am ding well recovering from surgery, eating lots of cookies! This was the least painful surgery I have ever had and I am very happy with how well I am feeling. I can get up and down on my own, walk around, and feel good enough to go see my family on Christmas! My dad and Tony have been taking really good care of me, helping me do everything and cooking for me, I really like it! Hopefully my doc will give me copies of the pics they showed me while I was still at the hospital, I will post them if he does! They were really neat! One had a clump of fat that I think he should have taken out while he was there but other than that everything looked so neat! And of course I can't be too drama free, one nurse was really concerned about me getting my ovaries out at such a young age and was pushing all kinds of pregnancy options for me, she clearly did not read the chart and while I was getting hooked up to IV's was so not the time to discuss those kinds of options. Then she told me I seemed confused, I guess I was confused but not about my procedure, I was confused at why she was insisting about talking about having kids and kept asking if I was getting my tubes tied! Ugh! Anyway, everything else went really really well! 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! 

Surgery went well!

I'm home relaxing after surgery. My dad picked up in n out, the perfect post op meal for a cheseburger girl like me! Then the neighbors brought over Christmas cookies! I'm in a medicated bliss for sure! I will update with surgery details and hopefully pics soon but right now it's nap time :)

Surgery in the morning!

I will have my ovaries removed in the morning to slow down the cancer. It is hormone based and so my ovaries have been providing food to the cancer. It took almost two months to get ready for this surgery and I am so excited to finally be getting it done! I think I am least anxious for this surgery too. It's going to be super quick and so routine that it kind of reminds me of my very first surgery when they put my chemo port in. I check in at 8:00 am, I am very excited about that too! I love early surgeries, late afternoon ones are torture!
Since I am having surgery just days before Christmas, I have all of that done too. I am all done with everything and excited for Christmas. In High School I had my wisdom teeth out over Christmas break, it really sucked, but I am hoping this will be better, at least I will be able to eat! Nap, pain pills, eat, repeat..... mmm yeah I think this will be much better.....  SO goodnight and I will update in a few days when I have recovered a little.

can't sleep....

How can I sleep? I'm missing them already!
This is where I go to visit them, all of the wonderful varieties...

Surgery Confirmation

My surgery has been confirmed for Thursday Dec 22. I won't know the time until the day before but hopefully it will be in the morning.

Raw = RAWR!!!

I saw my oncologist today. It went pretty well. The other day my lung Dr said my chest CT was clear, when my oncologist pulled it up they gave me a few more details. It looked good, but they saw a thickening in my lung wall and there was some fluid around my right lung. I have been getting low fevers and night sweats a few days at a time since I had my lungs drained. I went to my general family doctor for the fevers, they have never broken 101 and there was no sign of infection in my urine or blood. I brought it up today with my oncologist since all the other doctors say it is not related to their area. They decided to put my on a strong antibiotic for a week and re-evaluate the fevers and symptoms then. If my fevers persist, it is the cancer. If my fever goes away, they are thinking it is a lung infection that is contained inside my lung therefor not producing any other signs of infection. Either way, it is good that my body is fighting, either the infection or the cancer. My own natural immune system is trying to fight this and I love that. My dad was with me at the appointment and immediately grounded me from all junk food! He actually said those words, "That's it, you're grounded!" He wants to nearly raw food this cancer out of me (thank God even he thinks its a little extreme). I love my dad, he is so good to me! So now we have a 5lb bag of carrots and a juicer ready for tomorrow! I juiced a few carrots the other day, and I LOVED it! I was surprised at how good it was, and my stomach felt so calm and settled after. I don't think I my stomach has been that settled in a long time. I have been eating a lot better since living with my dad, but I have a love for cheeseburgers that has been difficult to deny. I guess the party is over for me and my cheeseburgers! Wow! I am sure going to miss them! I do love garden burgers though :) That might be the only way for me to handle this sanely. So, this New Year's Eve, please do not ask me what my resolution will be, I have done enough! Really it is for your own safety, if you in any way resemble a cheeseburger I just might try to take a bite out of you!

Tentative Surgery Date...

Finally! I have been working towards this surgery since we got back from Stanford a few months ago. It took a little bit of time, we had to drain the fluid surrounding my lungs, then I had a fever forever ok two weeks- but I was down, I had to meet with my Oncologist again after the fluid drain and my lung doctor again for the fluid drain follow up. The holidays don't make it easier to schedule appointments with doctors, and unfortunately, my lung doctor's daughter was diagnosed with lymphoma. She is young and its a terrible thing for their family. He has been taking time off to taker her back and forth to Stanford. So much time went by I had to go back and get the approval from my lung doctor verifying that I had enough lung capacity to handle surgery. During all of that, we were also looking at a site to biopsy. I had a chest CT nearly two weeks ago and that was our final attempt to search for a site that would be good to biopsy.  There was nothing there good enough to snip at so onward we go. Removing my ovaries will slow down the cancer, since it is hormone based we are essentially cutting off it's food supply. The longer we can keep it out of my major organs, the longer life I have! And that's a wonderful thing! We have a tentative date of Thursday December 22nd for the surgery. I will be sore for a few days but should be good to go for Christmas.

Cancer doesn't make you bald!

I'm not promising anything, but I have been on the phone with a few doctor's assistants today and I might even have a third blog for today! *gasp* I know!

So this one is a vent..... I have waited a few days for my emotions to calm down and for my cognitive reasoning to catch up....  My mom got married over the weekend and Tony and I went to the wedding (that was the easy part). When we got there we went to the front and sat in our reserved seats. Some lady, Pam*, came over ans asked who we were since the seats were saved for Sandy's daughter. I said that's me. She said oh ok, she knew one daughter lived in New York, I said yes, that's my sister. She said well, if your here and the other sister is in New York, where is the sick daughter? I didn't know she there were three of you. I said that was me. She said oh well you don't look sick. I told her it's the chemo that makes you loose your hair cancer doesn't make you go bald by itself. She insisted that I could not be sick. Thankfully I got called away but Tony stayed and Pam continued to say how she just didn't believe that I was sick. She kept insisting that there was no way I was sick. I went up to her after the ceremony and told her to stop, I was sick and that she was being rude. I didn't have to prove to her and frankly I didn't care if she believed me or not, but it was very inappropriate to tell someone they aren't sick. I was so frustrated with her. Everyone else kept saying wow you look so good, it's so good to see you.....  It felt good to be out and to see friends and family that I hadn't seen in a long time. I think that Pam was just trying to say that I looked  healthy and  no one would have guessed I was ill, but her actual words were hurtful and inappropriate. *Pam may or may not be her real name.

Some days I don't have the energy for hair and makeup, but when I have an event or a day where I am going to see friends I really try hard to do my hair and my makeup. When I look good, people treat me well. I'm not sure I feel about this) When I look good, I feel better, that is the important part. My bones still hurt and I still get out of breath, but I smile easier and feel better. No one can tell I'm sick and that's what I want. But I don't want another Pam following me around and questioning me all day and basically calling me and my family liars, who lies about having cancer? I am bracing myself for the day someone questions my handicap parking privilege.  I only use it when I know that it is too far of a walk for me, but still sometimes I get out of the car and I'm sure people question it. I know I'm not the only one that has experienced this, most diseases don't have a clear physical signs, you don't turn green to show you have heart disease, or purple to show diabetes. This is why we should be nice to everyone, and treat everyone with care and respect.

My experience at my moms wedding reminds me of a Real Houswives of Atlanta Reunion when Andy Cohen asked Kim if she had cancer, she said she started loosing her hair and the doctors thought she might have cancer.....  She didn't, but she took forever to answer the questions and it felt like she wanted some kind of cancer sympathy for loosing her hair. UGH!!! Cancer doesn't make you loose your hair! Chemo does! And, get this.... Not all chemotherapy will make you loose your hair. That's right, a lot of chemos don't cause hair loss. My first chemo, in 2008 caused 100% hair loss, my second caused 94% or 96% and that's about what I lost. When I was first diagnosed I read about a study where men were given a pill and were told that the pill would cause hair loss. 30% of them lost their hair, turns out the pill was a placebo! The mind is powerful! So are our words.

Learned a new trick, means you get to see pics!

So I have been wanting to post pics of the fluid that was drained my chest, but I didn't want to force people to look at them. I ran across a solution the other day and thought I would try it out. So, if you click to read more, you will see the pictures of all of the fluid rained my lungs. Ready? Here we go! (Click the green read more to, uh read more)

More of the Same

Not much new is happening in the world of my health. Still going to Dr appointments, the never-ending cycle of seeing my doctors, waiting for something new to happen or grow so we can biopsy and treat.... Some of my doctors really really want a biopsy, some of them are ok with treating without. They are confident that the cancer is the same as the last based on time-lines and tumor markers. I go back and forth, there are reasons for both. If we treat without a biopsy we are basically assuming that the cancer is of the same make up as the last. Waiting for a biopsy is time-consuming and proving to be difficult. It's not that I don't want a biopsy, it's that the biopsy options are painful and dangerous. My lung doctor is hoping that the spot on my esophagus will be a good option. He ordered a chest CT to see if it is possible and if so we will get it done. If not, I am going start measures to slow it down- first on the list- remove the ovaries. It is a big and permanent decision and without a biopsy, could turn out to be unnecessary. But I'm not willing to wait much longer for a biopsy- I feel that waiting will have a worse outcome than miss treating at this point. And in the end if it isn't the same cell and I have a long and happy life ahead of me, then we can adopt.

I have a big white beautiful dress in my closet!!!!

I"M SO EXCITED!!!!!!
Just sharing! Have a good night!

Finally a Fight Plan!

I had an appointment with my oncologist to get the results of my bone scan and spine MRI that Stanford recommended and to discuss treatment. The scan and MRI did not show any bone activity, but he explained that the PET scan that picked them up originally can see smaller specks of activity than either of the other two. So, that means it's there but not big enough to get a good enough picture of it to treat it yet, which also means it is not large enough to start breaking bone. I like that it is small enough to not be seen, but frustrated that I have to wait to treat it. In the mean time, I will have my ovaries removed and my tumor markers will be checked regularly to watch for any increase in activity. Taking out the ovaries will hopefully slow down the cancer since it is hormone based. If there is an increase in tumor markers we will order more scans to see if we can locate the bone activity. In the meantime, I continue with pain meds and calcium to help keep my bones strong. I will update when I have more info on my surgery, hopefully before the end of the year. I am pretty happy about this, the pain has been bad enough that I am always afraid my back and ribs are going to start breaking! Ugh!

2 in a Row!

A few days ago I felt so terrible, I prayed for just one day of feeling well. And, I got two! I'm trying to not do too much to send me right back to not feeling well but it's hard since I haven't been able to get anything done lately. My thank you notes are starting to really back up and I don't like that at all. I also need to do the final cleaning of my apartment, I don't like that either! :) But I'm glad I feel well enough to do it!

Good day!

I feel good! Fever is gone, pain from fluid drain is gone, appetite is back. Today is a very good day! I just got back from a walk, the fresh air and a little exercise felt great! Vegas is just over a week away! And.... Its pay day!!!! I doubt it could get any better than this, I am so blessed!

I am going in for my bone scan today, I usually don't get along with the nuclear dept but hopefully today will stay on theme and we can all get along!

just checking in...

No real big news. Last week was the thoracentesis. It took two days for my breathing to be back to normal. The first day was so painful that my breathing was even more restricted than before the procedure. Then on Saturday I started getting some crazy back pains and a fever. The fever was pretty low for me, 100.7 was the highest. But the body aches have been pretty bad and anytime I'm sick I'm always a little sad. So for the last few days I have been achy, crying, and kind of miserable. I went to the doctor today, he couldn't find any sign of infection so he thinks it might be viral and wants me to check in with him in the morning.

I hate to be sick and feel so miserable with this fever. So, I decided that I won't be miserable about it anymore. I have hair and nail appointments tomorrow and then maybe I will search out some fun activities I can do on a regular basis. Now that I am all moved in to my dads and my apartment is almost all clean, it is time for me to start my new life. I want to have some fun, be active and social. I would love to just go to work, but that's not an option. Maybe cooking lessons, or some fun art classes, something easy where I don't have to buy a ton of equipment or if I miss a day I won't feel guilty. Ideas are welcome if anyone knows of anything. Pottery might be fun. Something out of my house, I am saving those things for later :)

And Now I Can Almost Breathe!

They drained the fluid around my lungs today and I didn't love it! They got about 2 liters of fluid out and I feel somewhat better. I can take a deep breath, I can talk and breathe at the same time and I can drink water and breathe at the same time! I can even lay down flat and breathe at the same time! It's amazing! But I am still in a lot of pain and I just want it to go away already! My right side had most of the fluid and he said it might be uncomfortable while my lung expands back to normal. Uncomfortable isn't the word, sharp throbbing pains when I lay wrong or take too deep of a breath is more like it. Tomorrow I should feel better and I am excited about that, but right now I am still pretty grumpy.

Lung Doctor Visit

I met with my lung Doctor today. I was very anxious and was not feeling well when I went in. I saw his degrees on the wall and loved his choices in colleges so that made me a little more excited to meet him. He was amazing! He explained a lot and was very thorough and calming. I told him that I had never been so anxious for a procedure. I was nearly in tears before we left to see him I was so afraid. My ribs hurt so bad and to drain the fluid they stick a needle between your ribs. Even with anesthesia I just knew I would be in pain. I explained how nervous I was and he was so nice about it. Chemo, surgeries and radiation didn't have me this anxious. He asked how I did with IV's and I said fine, but something about this had me beyond stressed. After our appointment I felt so much better, so I go in tomorrow and he will drain the fluid. He estimates there is about a pint of liquid in there. I looked up some lung cancer forums and I found a lot of people talking about getting 2 and even 3 liters drained and that makes me feel even better! I'll post again tomorrow and let you know how it goes.....

Random Update.....

Not a lot happening in the medical world for me since my Stanford appointment. The calm before the storm? I meet with my oncologist tomorrow to discuss Stanford and to create a game plan from everything they said. He has already started making appointments for me with the doctors that will be part of that plan, I meet with the first one on Wednesday, a pulmonary specialist, hopefully we can get the liquid out of my chest and I can breathe! I can't wait to see my spine MRI, that has me the most anxious. I have been having back pain for a while and just never understood. I can't wait to see what it looks like. I promise to let you know about that one!

So I get questions from people and lately they are nearly the same so I thought I would answer them here in case anyone else has been wondering the same thing?

1. how do you feel about the Stanford appointment? Are you going to keep you doctor in Visalia? When do you start treatment? I know this is really three, but the answer comes down to this.... I feel good about Stanford. I like to know what's going on. I lam confident in their assessment and am not mad that my doctor didn't see everything they saw. He sent me to Stanford because it was beyond his comfort to treat. I admire my doctor for admitting when he needed someone else's opinion instead of making a best guess and treating me. he suggested Stanford, he admitted he didn't know what to do with this. That, in my opinion, is more admirable than being overconfident and doing what he wants. It takes a little while to start all of these things up. My oncologist is referring me out to the specialist that will all contribute to my treatment. Right now, I know nothing on start dates, which is why I am meeting with him tomorrow to get a better idea of how long all these things will take and in what order to tackle them.

2. Bone Marrow? Leukemia? No, my cancer is destroying my done from the outside in. It is still considered breast cancer.

3. How do I stay so positive? I have no idea! I get up and go mostly. I have been so busy with doctor appointments, I am just getting over the physical drain of going to Stanford. Then I moved, I should say, my boyfriend.... I mean Finance!!!! moved me. I woke up throwing up from too many pills and not enough food. So we set up my bed on the first trip and there I stayed most of the day. It took me three days to get my clothes hung up and those are just the clothes I ware! Not including the shoes! Once my life slows down, right? I will look into art classes or something to make life fun between all of these doctor appointments. The other part of it is that I'm not always positive. Sometimes I am sad that I will never have a 20 year marriage or babies or grandchildren. But I don't feel like I was cheated out of life. It's just the hand I got dealt. I don't take it personally or see it as a negative. I am preparing for a different type of life, one without a body that can't follow a treatment plan and tries to eat it's own bones! It's like the entire Star Wars series is happening in my rib cage. But seriously, I am ok. I am sad for my family and friends, they are the ones this is unfair for. My dad doesn't deserve this, neither does Tony.

Ok, that was more than I thought it would be. There are a few more regular questions I get, but I am going to nap for a few minutes.... If you have questions, please ask! You can post here in a comment or e-mail me.

Stanford Appointmnet

I just got back from Stanford and I am exhausted! But I wanted to take a minute before I napped to give everyone an update.

First, and probably the worst news I got today is that it is in the bone. Which explains why my back has been so sore and I haven't really been able to get comfortable. They think it could be in one of my vertebrae and that sucks. Radiation will "sterilize" it. (That's the word the doctor used, weird, but as long as it stops I don't care how he explains it.) Hopefully it isn't in too bad of shape, they want an MRI of my spine and a bone scan to get a better idea of what we are dealing with.

Second, it is NOT in mu lungs! There is fluid around my lungs that is causing the shortness of breathe, but that can be drained and I should get most of my lung function back.

Lastly, the cancer is only in my bones and soft tissue and that will not kill me. It will cause discomfort and will eventually spread to other areas that will be fetal, but there are a few things we can do that will hopefully slow it down. The Stanford team agreed that I have more than a year!!!!

Overall, I am very happy with the news I got today. I am sad that the Visalia team didn't pick up the bone cancer, but that's why we got a second opinion. Cancer in the spine scares me a little so I hope we caught it before it was too bad and can keep it from deteriorating the bone any more.

Ok, so that's it. I have an appointment with my Visalia oncologist to set up the scans, fluid drains, etc, etc. I will keep you posted on how it turns out!!

Both Sides of the Fence

Someone close to me was diagnosed with cancer this week. It makes me sad and even though she has a really good prognosis, I can't stop worrying and praying. I call her and I wonder what to say, I wonder if there is anything I can say that can possibly make a difference. It's so hard. I cry for her, pray for her and constantly think about her family. I love them all so much I hate to see any of them hurt. Experiencing cancer from this side makes me think of all of my family and friends that have comforted me. It makes me appreciate them even more, if that is even possible. Bottom line is that cancer sucks no matter what side of the fence your on!

Stanford

My original appointment for Stanford was November 2nd. I hated that it was so far away, but I couldn't do much about it, at the time it was the next available appointment. I was very happy when I got a phone call today saying that they were able to get me in sooner and asked what I was doing Wednesday. I will update the blog once I get home.

fastest week ever

Megan and Micalah came from Dallas to visit! My poor little apartment was bursting at the seems but we had so much fun! I love seeing them and hanging out with all of our friends. We went to Pismo one day and wine tasting in Paso Robles the next day with a group of friends. Everyone of them was a close friend and most had been a roommate of mine. I think we laughed the entire day! I've been napping ever since, but it was so worth it! I'm so happy I felt good and was able to keep up! I love that my friends took time off of work, arranged babysitters, put their fear of flying aside, planned and mapped out the best wineries, and put everything else on hold for a day to come have a good time with me! They are all so wonderful and I appreciate them so much!

Have to share!

I just ordered a wedding dress!! I can't stop smiling and am so happy!!! I love my Tony so much and can't wait for him to see me in it! Wow, things are happening fast!

Happy Friday!!!!

I'm engaged!!!!!!!! I am very happy and so in love with a wonderful man!

beautiful people

click the link to see some amazingly beautiful faces!
Beautiful People!

busy busy me

Today was a very productive day! I have been feeling too dizzy to do much so today when I woke up feeling decently stable I started tackling some of my "to do" items. I called my cobra administration and got some wonderful news! The news was so good that I started crying on the phone. The lady had been short with me the entire phone call so I really didn't want her to hear me cry but when she told me how I could work out all of these details and it was much easier than I ever imagined the relief overwhelmed me. I have been so worried about my insurance I have been dragging myself to work as much as possible. It made me think of the sick day rule of thumb.... If you are too sick to call in to work, then you can't go to the mall. Well, I definitely can't go to the mall without a lot of help and a lot of rest breaks, so why am I trying so hard to go to work. That's all I am going to say about that right now, nothing has officially happened with work, other than I have accepted it is time for me embrace my limitations.

Next stop..... Social Security Office, this was a great time to realize that I can't find my card! So I ordered a new one and confirmed that I had enough working credits for benefits, of course that will take a very very long time to kick in, but they are there when I need them and the line up nicely with the cobra info I got earlier. My fear of ending up seriously ill and without insurance has significantly decreased!
Then of course I stopped by the Y and got to see everyone. I love my coworkers so much! I even made that trip all on my own! Drove there, walked around a little and drove home! I was very proud of myself!

Lastly and certainly not least, I introduced Goodies Cookies to my dad! I think I am a cookie snob and I think I got that from my dad! I treated him to a cookie and bought about 5 for my house! Tony loves them too and he loves the flavors I don't make so it works out really well to have a few on hand.

There was more to my day and I am so excited to share, but you will all have to wait a little while longer, next Friday to be exact! But I feel like the kid on the Disneyland commercial that yells out that he is too excited to sleep!!!!

nothing new yet

I'm still a little hesitant to post after my last post showed up on facebook. I feel terrible that some people read this and got such terrible info that way. I really thought I had un-linked the two a while ago. Anyway, I did double and triple check that they are no longer connected. And my apologies to anyone that found out that way! I feel terrible and never wanted that to happen!

So what going on? I really don't know anything new. When I first left the doctor I was in a fog for a while and I just needed time to accept all of this. I am still waiting for Stanford to call with my appointment. In the mean time I have been pretty busy and just kind of organizing everything. I'll be moving in with my dad sometime in the next few months and will work as long as I can. I had a lot of aches and pains that I had attributed to stress, but the stress seems to have faded and the pains have not. So back to the doctor I went. He said he wanted me to take morphine, I said I wanted to work still and asked if I needed more than a year of insurance. My poor dad instantly sucked all of the air out of the room, thankfully the dr replied without hesitation that I would definitely need more than a year of insurance. Then my dad and I cried happy tears and released all of the oxygen back into the atmosphere. We agreed on a much lower pain med that would allow me to work for a little while longer.

I am praying for a miracle, I know they happen all the time and I think I am the perfect candidate! :) I get the feeling that some people think I am giving up. I promise I am not, but I have decided how I would like to spend my energy and it is not flying all over the country and the world to reenact the scene from Man on the Moon with Andy Kaufman. My uncle passed away in 1980 from cancer that at the time was incurable and not treatable. Someone diagnosed with the same cancer today, would probably survive. He spent a lot of time searching for his cure and in the end didn't find it. I am choosing to spend time with my friends and family. God has a plan and I have accepted that while making the most out of my life. I have never sat back and let life happen to me and I am not doing that now. But I will be comfortable and make the most out of this situation. I will seek out treatments that lengthen my life while maintaining the quality of my life. People say "don't give up" a lot and I know they mean to encourage me, and I try to take it that way. It's like the "you've lost so much weight" compliment it just implies that they were fat before. So when I get e-mails and texts saying don't give up, I wonder, who gave up? certainly not me!

I am a religious person and love the prayer, laying of hands, and all of those wonderful things. I got a million hugs at the end of work the other day, and I left feeling better than I had in weeks! I know it's not a fluke. Those are the activities I want to participate in.

i guess it's time to share....

I got a call a few weeks ago that my routine check up revealed high tumor markers. I prayed for the best and tried to go on living a regular life. I would venture to say that I fooled no one! So now I have learned most of the news. I have stage 4 inoperable and incurable breast cancer in my lungs, chest wall, and lymph nodes. The doctor has some treatments that will prolong my life and I am going to Stanford to get more opinions. I will start posting updates to keep people up to date. Thank you to everyone who supported my Avon walk for breast cancer, but I decided it would be best to spend the weekend with my family. (They still got all the $$$ :) and hopefully will prevent this from happening to more people)
A SUPER big THANK YOU to Codie and her family! She was going to walk with me and her family has handled this sudden change of plans with grace and admiration!!! I love you guys!
So, there it is.... that's everything I know right now. I didn't ask for a timeline since Stanford will probably play a big role in that... If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask!

Avon Walk

Check out my Avon Breast Cancer Walk page!

In It to End It!

Dear Family and Friends,

This September I will be walking nearly 40 miles over the course of a weekend as a participant in the Santa Barbara Avon Walk for Breast Cancer event. I am honored to be walking with thousands of others who have made the same courageous commitment: to help raise awareness and funding for this devastating disease. We will sleep in tents, shower in trucks, and push ourselves far beyond what we ever thought we were capable of doing.

Why am I determined to fundraise and train? Because when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I did not know if I would win the fight, I was afraid of how horrible treatment might be or what condition it would leave me in. I learned a lot in nearly a year of treatment, and now I know I can do anything! This walk proves my survival, my success, and that research makes a difference! Too many people have had their lives torn apart by this disease. I refuse to sit by and watch it happen. So I am committed to do all this because I can.

I will raise at least $1,800 for the event. The Avon Foundation, awarding the money raised from this event to help advance medical research into the possible causes, prevention, treatment and cure of breast cancer; medical care for breast cancer patients; support services for patients and their families; educational seminars; and early detection programs. Your donation will benefit the whole picture - cause, cure, care, and support.

I can’t do this alone. To donate to this cause and support my efforts, please go to www.avonwalk.org, click on “Sponsor A Walker,” click on Santa Barbara then enter my name. This will take you to my personal page to make your donation online. Alternatively, you can mail a check made out to “Avon Walk for Breast Cancer” directly to me. Your gift will be appreciated more than I can possibly tell you.

One of the things I discovered as I was going through my own cancer experience is that I am blessed with an amazing circle of family, friends and medical professionals. I saw this over and over as people came out of the woodwork to offer love and support. This event is one way that I can try to give some of that support back to those who need it now.

Thank you for your generous support!

Blessed,




Janice Bardone

Mastectomy Twin

I got a call today from my mastectomy twin! We both had mastectomies on the same day, buy the same doctor, I think it was the same side, and ended up staying on the same floor for recovery. We didn't know of each other at the time. We met later at the Women's cancer support group. And our radiation treatment overlapped and we often crossed paths in the waiting room. We would spend forever talking and chatting in that funny little waiting room full of partially dressed women. We all wore the same hospital gown and spiral key chain around our wrist that went to our clothes locker. Some of us had wigs, some of us had a boob, some two and some none. But we were all there for the same reason. To get fried like a chicken. When one or both of the machines were broken there were a lot of us, and we would talk and laugh and read the same old torn up magazines. I always loved turning the corner and seeing my mastectomy twin. She had the best wigs, and the really nice wig liners. The type that Velcro-ed in and kept the sweat off of your head. Nothing like my pantyhose material ones that if you pulled down far enough made you look like a mugger. But that's not why I liked her. her and I shared a bond I can't explain. During treatment I wanted empathy, not sympathy. And with her, it was true empathy. She had been through the exact same thing. As exact as you can get in the breast cancer world anyway. So, she called me. I wasn't able to answer but I got her voice mail later. She got reconstruction! We talked about it so much. Many women are really torn on weather or not to get it. Some are lucky enough to have reconstruction immediately. I had to wait, and one doctor wouldn't even look at me until a year after I finished radiation. Ugh! I was crushed. But I ended up finding the best plastic surgeon ever and couldn't be happier. It's a big decision and some women chose not to have reconstruction at all. I read a book where women discussed what made them decide. One was in a hotel and the fire alarm went off. When she got downstairs she looked around and realized she was the only person fully dressed. But she didn't want to go out in her pj's and only one boob, so she put on her bra and prosthetic and ended up just finishing to get dressed at that point. The experience made her think about how important that breast was and that she could have died getting out because she took the time to get dressed to avoid others seeing her with one breast. Another women shared how she walked by Victoria Secret and had the sudden desire to wear pretty bras again and went to get reconstruction. I'm not sure why my twin waited so long, or what made her go and get it, but I am really happy for her and can't wait to see it! She says it is beautiful! And I totally believe her!

so it's been a while.......

I clearly have not written in a long time! I like that because it means I have moved on with my life! YEAH! But lately I have been thinking about the blog and wondering what it's next step should be. I do have a vague idea of what I would like to accomplish with it and you are welcome to read along while I kind of figure it out.

One thing I'd like to do is to give updates on what is happening now. Another is to help me get over the two year hump, I expect there to be another hump at the 5 year mark and possibly the 10 year year, all milestones my doctors talk about.(Anyone else picute a 3 humped camel?)
Lastly, for now anyway, I would like to share my experiences with Avon Breast Cancer Walk coming in September!
So, I guess I will be back soon!