Readings and learning to deal while staying positive

I've been looking up stuff on dying. Things to help me express myself better. Today for the first time I was able to say out loud some of my most personal thoughts on passing away. It was hard and I cried a little, but it felt so good to say. My mom has such a hard time with all of this, understandable. However, her reaction has been so hurtful, that I decided not to continue our relationship without some kind of professional help. I just came across the paragraphs below and it was so clear to me as to why I felt it is necessary to make such a difficult decision. It's not easy to not have positive support from my mom right now, but she is going through something just as difficult as I am, maybe more difficult. I love her dearly, but I can't be around such negativity and hurtful behavior. ........................................ Accept Your Response to the Illness Each person responds to news of terminal illness in his or her unique way. You, too, will have your own response, be it fear, excitement, anger, loss, grief, denial, hope or any combination of emotions. Becoming aware of how you respond right now is to discover how you will live with your terminal illness. Don’t let others prescribe how you feel; find people who encourage you to teach them how you feel. After all, there is no right or wrong way for you to think and feel. http://www.hospicenet.org/html/help_yourself.html

it's been way too long!

Wow, I haven't written in forever! Sorry! Nothing has really changed, which is the reason I haven't blogged. No news is good news I guess. I have been on a few wonderful vacations in the meantime and have had a really nice summer. I guess not working is really all that it's said to be. Except for the cash flow that is..... Ok Vaca number 1 was to New York for 10 days with my dad. 5 days in upstate visiting my sister and her family, Niagra falls and the finger lakes area. It was wonderful. Then we had a full 5 days in New York City! I absolutely loved the city! I could live there. I mean seriously, I wish I would have gone sooner, I think I would have tried to go to college there or somehow at least lived a year there. It's the most amazing place I have ever been, and I've been to some cool places. I'll try and get some pics up this week. Tony and I went to LA this past weekend to catch a Dodger game and spend some time around lala land, I love Santa Monica. I loved it so much. But mostly I loved spending time with the hubs! The rest of the time I've been getting chemo and recovering from it as much as I can before I go back for more. Lately my biggest complaint is the white blood cell booster shot. It causes so much physical pain for days and it sucks! The pain and other side effects from chemo have been pretty well managed but I can't find anything that will even touch the muscle pain I get from that booster shot. My nurses have been trying everything to help with a solution too and still nothing. So if you happen to know what helps muscle pain from nuprogen shots, I'd love to hear about it. Bone pain is more common, but i dont have that and if I did have i, its been fixed. So far I've tried oxy, aleve, Tylenol, Advil, cold shower, hot shower, laying still, stretching, clarion d, anxiety medication- pain and aciety go together like peanut butter and jelly! And finally, lots of water..... I just had a thought, one more thing to try, and I get a shot tomorrow that I can try my idea on, wish me luck! But I think it just might work, I'll keep you posted.