books and rambling thoughts

There are a lot of books about cancer, some that are very medically informative others that focus on the emotional and social journey while others promise cure for changing your diet. When I was being diagnosed I read the medically informative written by doctor books. I bought 3 or 4, kept them in my bed where I was spending a lot of time recovering from the shock of my recently disrupted life. There was one book that I saw in a lot of blogs, at the book store there were a ton of copies and it was one of three books at Power of Pink on display. Crazy Sexy Cancer by Kris Carr with a forward by Sheryl Crow. I wasn't ready to read it until now. I would see it, flip through it, want to read it and put it down. I have done this at least 10 different times. Last night I suddenly needed this book like I need air to breath. I went to borders and bought it! Got it home to find the front cover and most of the forward slashed by a box cutter. I was so sad. I exchanged it this morning and am loving it! The author was diagnosed with a very rare cancer in her lungs and liver at 31 years old. Ugh, phone call, lost all of my thoughts......... sorry, I'll finish later when they come back to me.
Ok, I am back, a long break for me , I am guessing not so much for you. Anyway, I share a lot of similarities on the way the author has written this book. I feel less crazy and more understood than I have in a while. I bought another book that focuses on younger adults having cancer, the 20 and 30 year olds anyway. I am constantly reminded that I am not the normal demographic for this disease that already does a fine job of making me feel freakish. Both books talk about dating while going through treatment, finally! Most books focus on menopause, gray hair and other 60 + issues. It talks about the lingering teenage syndrome of being invincible when suddenly your own mortality is threatened. I don't think there is any great age for cancer, even in our 80's it sucks, but at 34 I am only a third into life. I am barely finishing school and deciding what I want to be when I grow up. I guess I am saying that I am happy for this new desire to read and connect with people close to my age. I prefer of course to do that in person, but so far not a lot of luck. So for now, I will enjoy the books and the online resources that I am finding.

One of my thoughts recently that is also in both books is the stop whining and take care of this. It is so frustrating to me to see people give up when they don't get the news they want. Or when they give up because it isn't their fault. I want to scream!!! My cancer isn't my fault either!!! But no one and I mean NO BODY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD can help me if I don't help myself. I have to want treatment, is it fun? of course not, do I enjoy sporting the official 9 year old boy summer buzz? F*CK NO, how about having one boob? nope not a joy either! And paying for it? Trust me, if I had the option I would totally chose make-up and clothes over medical bills. However, if I didn't do it, I would die. There is no question of that, and in fact I might die anyway, I might not win this fight, I might get hit by a bus too. People tell me how brave I am, but really I am not running towards treatment, I am running as fast as I can away from cancer. I appreciate the positive meanings in all of the comments that I get and i think I might have mentioned this in an earlier blog. People don't know what to say, they just say whatever they think someone in my situations wants to hear. There is some of that in the book too, Like when people share stories that are tragic in hope of bonding when all it really did was piss me off or scare the shit out of me. Or when people do the "at least" thing that totally devalues the way I have lived my life, like at least you don't have kids or at least you aren't married. Ok? because by not having kids or a husband makes me expendable? I understand that if I had kids my life during treatment would be more difficult and of course kids would be scared and affected by a mom going through treatment, but maybe we can say that in a different way. I like that this book jokes about these awkward situations and makes me laugh. When I joke about it to my friends sometimes they look at me like is it really ok to joke about it? Where is the line for comedy and cancer? I am not sure, but I would know it if it was crossed.
ok, enough rambling thoughts for tonight, I have so many lately. Weird ones, funny ones and really really off the wall ones too. he he he