Fear

A lot of people are asking how I am or saying I know you are scared… or asking about my emotions, I sent a version of this to a friend and thought it would be good to post something on my emotional or mental state.

I’m not sure what I am right now, upside down for sure! I was really scared before I knew what it was, but now that I have it, I’m ok, there are a lot of neat things, California law won't let this disease leave me disfigured. I don't want kids, so my eggs can get chemo and I’m ok with that, I am kind of sad about my teeth possibly getting messed up, but I’m sure that could get fixed. I need my body for 60 more years so I don't want it to get too messed up from treatment, but I guess I am more upset about not being normal or able to live my life, instead I have to spend time and money on just being able to live, that sucks! Worst case is death. I’m not afraid to die, I am sad for my family and friends, but really, I don't think I have ever been afraid of death. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to die; I want to live a long happy life full of family and friends, doing things that make me happy, leaving a legacy and kicking ass along the way.

I have insurance, but will have to pay a shit load for this. I would have liked to spent this next year finishing schools and looking for a new job making more money. I guess the scariest thing is insurance and ever being able to get it again. I can never let my insurance lapse or get coverage outside of a group plan. I really hate that and since I am only 34 that really really really sounds like a pain in the ass!

Maybe I am just too ignorant to be scared right now. I kind of think I am still accepting it. I have cried a lot lately, but my original fears have been pretty much answered.

What I do know is that this will bring positive results in the end somehow! I’m not sure, maybe I need to learn few lessons, build some character, build empathy, learn how to ask for help (I am afraid of being dependent on others!)